Fathers, like mothers, are pillars in the development of a child’s emotional well-being. Studies have shown that when fathers are involved, affectionate, and supportive, it positively impacts a child’s overall sense of well-being and self confidence.
We asked Filipino journalist and father-of-three TJ Manotoc to share some things that he wants his children — and every child — to grow up knowing so that they become healthy and happy individuals:
“My kids always ask me what my definition of success is, and I tell them it’s not how much money I earn or what kind of car I’m able to buy — it’s to raise them to become happy and healthy human beings.”
TJ Manotoc, Journalist and father of three
For his sons, to always respect women. “There’s so much misogyny and disrespect for women nowadays that I want my sons to know that such behavior is not cool or funny and can really be hurtful,” he shares. “I always tell them that before they say or do anything to another girl or woman, they should first think about their own sister and mother, and how they would feel if they were the recipient of such disrespectful words or actions.”
To know how to cook, clean, and do the laundry. “If you enter the adult world knowing how to do household chores, you will have a much easier time being loved,” TJ laughs. “And if you really can’t do chores or have the time — at least be neat and clean when you are living with someone else!”
For his daughter, to be brave. “I believe it’s especially important to encourage girls to speak up for what they believe in, to use their platform for good and not just for aesthetics,” he says.
And to learn self-defense! “The world is a scary place, and she should be able to protect herself and not wait for a man to come to her rescue,” he points out.
For all his children, regardless of gender —that it’s okay to feel your emotions. “This is a bigger issue for sons because their feelings are stifled a lot. We should do away with toxic statements like ‘Be a big boy’ or ‘Be a man’ and allow our little boys to be human beings,” he opines. “If something bothers them, hurts them, or physically pains them, they should know that it’s okay to cry.
Financial literacy. This includes how to take care of money, how to budget, what to buy and when to buy them, or how to invest. “I wish these were things my parents taught me back then and I hope that more parents teach it now, because finances are really something that a lot of people struggle with when they get into adulthood,” he says.
To go ahead and dream. “Don’t stifle your child’s dreams by saying ‘No, you have to be a doctor,’ or ‘No, you have to do this, not that,’” TJ expresses. “Doing this puts a boundary on their dreams and tells them that they cannot be who they were destined to be. So allow them to spread their wings and expose them to as many things as possible so that they can discover their meaning in the universe.”
He adds: “My kids always ask me what my definition of success is, and I tell them it’s not how much money I earn or what kind of car I’m able to buy — it’s to raise them to become happy and healthy human beings.”
For TJ, the best way fathers can cultivate healthy and loving relationships with their children is to create opportunities where they can bond and spend time together in a very natural and relaxed manner. “One thing I struggle with is when I see families sitting down at the dinner table and the kids are “supposed” to bond with the parents, they are “expected” to share what went on during their way even if they are tired or in a bad mood. Instead of forcing the kids, parents need to find ways to pique their child’s interest and open them up to conversation,” he suggests. “Everyone has different moods — when they feel chatty or when they just want to be alone — so my advice to parents is to give their kids the space and time they need to be themselves. Trust and respect are essential to a positive parent-child relationship.”
Want to build a healthier relationship with your child? Our WellBeing Coaches are available 24/7 for teletherapy sessions to help you improve your communications skills and become a more empathetic parent. Book a session now through FB Messenger http://mn-chat or email [email protected].
You’ve finally booked an appointment with a mental health professional — congratulations! You’re on your way towards a better mind, better you.
Maybe you’re feeling nervous about it; that’s totally normal. Or maybe you just want to be prepared; that’s also commendable. Whatever your reason, we’ve put together some general ideas of what you might expect if you’re headed into therapy for the first time so you’ll feel more at ease.
“When attending a therapy session, go into it with open eyes. Be curious, be honest, ask questions, and do not be afraid. Think of it as talking to a friend.”
Kevin Quibranza, MindNation People & Operations Head
BEFORE THE SESSION:
Eat a healthy meal, but not too much. If you’re hungry, you won’t be able to focus on the therapy. If you’re full, you might end up feeling sleepy in the middle of the session.
Dress comfortably but appropriately.
List down concerns you want addressed or any questions you may have. This allows you to maximize the time you have with the therapist.
Inform household members that you should not be disturbed for the whole hour (unless it’s an emergency).
Be in front of your computer at least 10 minutes before your session starts.This will give you enough time to settle down and check for anything (or anyone) who may disturb your privacy, i.e. if family members are around, gently remind them to move elsewhere.
Bring waterbecause talking will make you thirsty, and you want to avoid leaving your computer –and wasting precious minutes — just to get a glass of water.
Make sure you’re sitting comfortably; if you want to walk around while talking, that’s also okay as long as you don’t disrupt other people. I wouldn’t recommend lying down during sessions because it can cause drowsiness.
If you are using your cellphone for the session, make sure to mute all notifications. If you are on your computer, put your phone on silent mode.
DURING THE SESSION
Because it’s your first time, the therapist will need to conduct an assessment. Some therapists will ask background questions about your childhood or your family to get to know you better. Others will ask you to share what’s on your mind, what’s bothering you, or your reason for seeing them.
Some therapists take down notes while you speak; others will just listen and write their notes at the end of the session.
Rest assured that your conversation will be kept in the strictest confidentiality. The therapist-patient relationship is special because it is one where you can be totally honest and not worry about being criticized, interrupted, or judged.
You won’t be expected to tell your entire life story. If you booked a session for a specific reason, i.e. work stress, then the conversations will only revolve around that topic.
You won’t be forced to feel anything. It’s okay if you cry, it’s also perfectly okay if you don’t. A healthy therapy is one where there is a connection between the client and the therapist and any emotions that spill out are brought about by that connection and not because it is “expected” of you.
You are free to take down notes especially if the therapist likes to give instructions or homework. Writing may also help you remember some of the key points raised in the session.
You don’t have to answer questions if you are not comfortable or ready. It is a therapist’s job to ask intrusive questions, but if they are really making you uncomfortable, just say so.
If for whatever reason you feel that the therapist’s approach is not effective, it’s okay to let them know and try to find someone else. Choosing a therapist is like choosing a partner — it might take you a few tries but if you find one that you click with, it can really bring about something great.
Don’t expect all your problems or issues to be solved after just one session. This is a misconception; talk therapy is not a quick fix. We encourage our therapists and clients to foster a connection and have multiple sessions since most of the time, problems are due to bad habits that were formed over the course of our lives and cannot be resolved in just 60 minutes.
AFTER THE SESSION
Expect to feel tired. Talking through major emotional topics for an hour is draining. Don’t go right into a big client presentation after your session; instead, drink water, calm down, and take some time to process the things that you need to do moving forward.
Expect homework. Most therapists do this to empower clients to tackle the issues they are facing themselves and not be dependent on the psychologist for their mental healing. The type of homework would depend on your situation and the therapist’s approach, but most use Cognitive Behavioral Theory approaches such as practicing relaxation or stress management techniques.
Book a follow-up session after two weeks. This will allow the therapist to check on your progress.
When attending a therapy session, go into it with open eyes. Be curious, be honest, ask questions, and do not be afraid. Think of it as talking to a friend. If you are asked questions regarding your situation, try to answer them as honestly as you can because you might end up realizing something new about yourself. It’s all part of the process; go through it, and enjoy the ride.
For those in the Philippines, MindNation psychologists and WellBeing Coaches are available 24/7 for teletherapy sessions. An initial session with a psychologist starts at P1,500, and succeeding consults will cost only P2,500 per hour.
Clients may opt to avail of a 5-session package for only P12,125. On the other hand, the first session with a WellBeing Coach will cost only P500, with additional sessions amounting to P1,000 per hour. Clients may also choose to buy a 3-session package for P2,850 or a 6-session package for P5,550.
Meditation has been proven to more than just reduce stress and help us achieve inner peace. Studies have shown that a regular meditation practice can also lengthen our attention span, reduce age-related memory loss, improve sleep, and help control pain. Additionally, meditation can be done for free, anytime and anywhere, without need for special equipment, and with zero side effects.
While the number of people turning to meditation has increased through the years (a rough estimation of people who meditate globally ranges between 200 and 500 million), there are still many who hesitate to take up the practice because of the misconceptions that make them feel they cannot do it. We asked Dinah Salonga, co-founder and Chairman of Yogaplus (www.yogaplus.ph), one of Manila’s premier yoga studios, to debunk some common myths and explain what meditation is really about:
“Meditation is the practice of paying attention to whatever arises in the present moment, not communicating with a deity. There are no rules or dogmas to follow in meditation.”
Dinah Salonga, co-founder and Chairman of Yogaplus
Meditation requires staying still for a long period of time.
Dinah: Just like dance or yoga, there are many different styles of meditation and many ways to practice it.
A. There is a dedicated practice, where you intentionally set a time to meditate in stillness for a few minutes. It’s like going to the gym; while you’re there, you focus on doing your exercises.
B. For those who have difficulty sitting still, there is the integrated practice, where you can meditate while doing an activity like walking, eating, hiking, or drinking coffee. Yoga is another example of a moving meditation practice.
You need to be able to sit in an uncomfortable lotus position (a cross-legged sitting pose in which each foot is placed on the opposite thigh).
Dinah: Not at all. You can sit in a normal cross-legged position, or even sit down on your heels in a kneeling position. If being on the floor is not comfortable, you can meditate while sitting on a chair with your feet flat on the floor, or even standing up. You may even lie down — just make sure you don’t fall asleep.
The important thing is to be in a position where you are comfortable and your spine is in neutral alignment — this means the spine is straight but not rigid, making it easier for you to breathe.
Meditation is a religious practice so I don’t want to do it because I’m a devout Catholic/Christian/Muslim/etc.
Dinah: Although many religions talk about meditation and its importance, the practice is more spiritual than religious. Meditation is the practice of paying attention to whatever arises in the present moment, not communicating with a deity. There are no rules or dogmas to follow in meditation; if there is chanting in a session, it is only done as a means of helping the mind concentrate, and is completely optional.
The goal of meditation is to empty the mind and feel calm and peaceful.
Dinah: Just as there are different styles of meditations, there are also different goals. You can meditate to relax, to empty the mind, or to learn to pay attention. The last one is called mindfulness meditation, where distractions are a part of the practice and you will be taught how to respond when you are distracted.
One session of meditation can solve my problems (i.e. depression, anxiety, etc) right away.
Dinah: Definitely not. Meditation is a practice and something you need to do regularly to experience the benefits. In some instances, it may not even be the right solution for your current situation. If you have a mental health problem, for example, it will be best to consult a professional and get their advice on whether meditation can help you.
You need to practice meditation for YEARS to reap the benefits.
Dinah: Even just short segments of practice (i.e. one minute a few times a day) can already make a difference in making our minds more calm. Sure, it might take some time to feel that meditation has completely transformed you, the way you live, and your overall happiness; just like any other skill, the more you practice, the longer the effects will last. Take it step by step and enjoy the process of getting to know your mind.
Meditation is hard, it’s only for women/monks/elderly/etc.
Dinah: Meditation is simple but is not easy. Think of it as driving or riding a bike — these are skills that can be done by anyone. We can all learn and become good at it if we practice. With a few exceptions (like some mental health issues), almost everyone can do it.
MindNation Wellness Coaches are available 24/7 to help you build better physical and mental health habits. Book a teletherapy session with them through FB Messenger http://mn-chat or email [email protected].
Transcom Worldwide Philippines, Inc. is a global customer experience specialist providing customer care, sales, technical support, and credit management services.
MindNation sat down with Aldrin Carlos, Transcom Asia Director of Employee Engagement and Communication, to talk about how a personalized, holistic mental health program has benefited Transcom’s 9,000+ employees and how they plan to do more in the future.
Q: Why is mental health important to Transcom?
ALDRIN: Even before the pandemic, our CEO, Mark Lyndsell, recognized the need to set up a program that would cater to our people’s mental health. Mental health is an essential part of a person’s overall well-being and we simply cannot expect people to compartmentalize themselves when they are at work and bring with them their joys, tears, hopes, and fears for themselves and the people dearest to them.
We also recognize that mental health is a taboo subject, especially in the Philippines, and people didn’t want to talk about. The company felt that we should provide an environment where people’s concerns can be addressed.
Q: What were the factors that influenced your decision to make it a priority, or was there something specific that triggered it?
ALDRIN: We stepped up our mental health program when a lot of our folks started showing signs of anxiety due to the [COVID-19] pandemic. At the onset of the lockdown, there were people whose jobs were affected due to the reduced working capacity onsite. There were also concerns about job security, coping with transitions, worries for their families, etc. True to our core value of Malasakit (“concern”), the company started looking for a reliable partner to help develop a robust mental health program.
Q: How did upper management react to this plan?
ALDRIN: Our senior leadership team actively led the implementation of this initiative. Mental health was a subject in every sitrep meeting, and the members never ceased to ask if HR had already chosen a partner or what alternatives were available to ensure that people’s mental health are supported.
“A mental health program, more than just a good people investment, is a concrete manifestation of genuine care to employees and their overall well-being.”
Aldrin Carlos, Transcom’s Director of Employee Engagement and Communication
Q: What were the primary objectives and the initial steps to building a mental health program within the company?
ALDRIN: The primary objective was to provide help to anyone in the company. Similar to how we offer financial assistance through our Transcom Cares program or 24/7 medical assistance through our HMO partner, we also sought to make mental health assistance readily available for our employees. We started with simple, free hotline numbers that employees may contact, but we thought that a better way to do this meaningfully was through a partner who can offer an array of services.
Q: How did you find out about MindNation? How were they able to help?
ALDRIN: We were receiving different offers from various mental health program providers and chanced upon a meeting with Daph Bajas [of MindNation]. We expressed our needs in terms of the assistance we wanted to give to our employees and Daph came back to us with proposals on how these can be addressed. He crafted a package that gave us a free webinar for every 30 psychologists booked each month, although I believe he owes me 2 webinars per month now because we are currently booking 60 or more sessions per month. Right, Daph?
These monthly webinars, the ‘unlimited’ social conversations, and the psychologist bookings were all that we needed initially. Eventually, we reached out for more services like small group sessions, psychological first aid sessions for leaders, Monday Energy Boosters, and wind-down sessions.
Q: How did your employees react? ALDRIN: The response from our employees was generally positive, and this can be attested by the number of attendees of the mental health webinars we initially conducted, the questions that they asked during these webinars, and the volume of people as well who reached out for 24/7 social conversations and psychological consultation bookings.
Inevitably, there were those who are still not receptive or comfortable with the idea of opening up to accompaniment. The partnership with MindNation, however, allows for different avenues to reach out to people – if not through the one-on-one interventions, at least through the virtual group activities or webinars. We’ve also explored ways to orient leaders about psychological first aid so they can extend basic accompaniment to their team members.
Q: What challenges have you encountered and how are you working to resolve them?
ALDRIN: The issue now is really more on how the webinars can reach our agents, most of whom just rely on free data to be able to connect to the internet. That is why we cannot simply broadcast through Zoom and have to use Facebook Live. But the challenge with FB Live is we cannot really determine how many of our employees tune in since it is open to the public.
It is also difficult to gather so many people in a common time slot, thus, the broadcast has to be recorded and replayed either through our official FB page itself or through our onsite plasma screens.
Q: In terms of the employees’ well-being: what differences have you seen since you brought in MindNation? Anything significant that you would like to share?
ALDRIN: Among the leaders, there is now that sensitivity and greater awareness that they cannot just simply ignore the mental health concerns of their team members. Additionally, there is a clamor from them on how they can be of assistance as far as mental well-being is concerned.
We were expecting the number of bookings for psychologist consultations to go down but recent months are actually showing spikes. This could either be a sign of a real concern, especially since the pandemic is far from over, or it could be because there is now more awareness among the employees that help is available and they might as well avail of it. It was also observed that there are new hires who are availing of the services.
MindNation runs Weekly Energizer boosts through the Transcom Asia Facebook Page for employees that want to kick-start their week
Q: On a personal note, what have YOU been doing to take care of your mental well-being?
ALDRIN: I am able to draw mental fortitude and resilience so far from my faith, from being grateful for the blessings and gifts I have received despite the ongoing situation, from my family, friends, and my team. There’ve been a lot of stressors but so far I have managed to not allow myself to succumb to them. I am very conscious not to allow myself to be affected by negative thoughts.
I do have projects at home that are stress-relievers and give me some sense of fulfillment – minor repairs that require some creativity, construction of an additional nook in the house, etc. I am also lucky that my work allows me to be creative and use my talents.
There are good movies via online subscription – old and new – that I watch and enjoy with my wife and kid and there are, once in a while, books published by my own friends which bring a sense of pride, joy, and inspiration.
Gratitude also allows me to help others and helping others is so rewarding and beneficial to mental health.
Q: What is the one mental health advice or practice that you take to heart, and why?
ALDRIN: To never let myself be overpowered by a concern or a problem because I am bigger than my problem, and if the problem proves to be much bigger, I have a loving family and supportive friends who will back me up. And if the problem is so huge, there is a Bigger Being that takes care of me and loves me unconditionally. Help is always available in ways human and divine.
Q: What is your advice to colleagues in the industry who are also considering mental health programs in the workforce?
ALDRIN: A mental health program, more than just a good people investment, is a concrete manifestation of genuine care to employees and their overall well-being. Go for it.
Q: What is the company looking forward to with regards to mental health and well-being this 2021?
As we continue to support our employees in any way we can, we are also looking for ways to extend our program to their loved ones. We are grateful to our employees’ families and whenever possible, we want to integrate them in the benefits we offer.
If you want to create a mental health program for your organization, you can partner with MindNation and email [email protected].
We all know that exercise is good for us, but if the weather is too hot or you just ended a day of back-to-back Zoom meetings, coupled with homeschooling, it’s easier to just put off working out in favor of plopping down in front of the TV.
How can we help ourselves get moving? We asked Juancho Triviño, fitness advocate and founder of Fit Crew PH, an online personal training service, to bust the most common exercise excuses and his solutions for them.
“If you can spare 15 to 20 minutes scrolling through social media, then you have time to exercise.”
Juancho Triviño, fitness advocate and founder of Fit Crew PH
1. “I’m too tired, I just want to relax.” First of all, if you are tired because you are sick, then do take time to rest and recover.
But if you are tired because of poor sleep, work fatigue, or mental health conditions, exercise can make you feel better. Start off with light exercises that are easy on the body but are just as effective, such as yoga and walking.
Finally, if you are tired because you have a stressful job or are swamped with chores at home, change your routine. Instead of scheduling your workout at the end of the day when your energy is at its lowest, wake up earlier than usual to exercise, or do it on your lunch break.
2. “I don’t have the time.”
“If you can spare 15 to 20 minutes scrolling through social media, then you have time to exercise,” says Juancho. “Just waking up extra early in the morning to squeeze in 15 to 20 minutes of light exercises or stretching can already prep your body and mind for all the rigorous things you need to do for the day.”
3. “It costs too much.”
While hiring a personal trainer is recommended for proper guidance, it is not mandatory. “You can follow free workout videos that are available online, or even ask for help from family or friends who are active,” Juancho advises. No equipment? Creativity goes a long way.
“Use water bottles or canned goods as weights; sturdy chairs can be used if you need elevation. Lastly, bodyweight exercises like push-ups, sit-ups, and squats can also be very effective for building strength.”
4. “I don’t like to exercise alone.”
There are benefits to exercising by yourself — you can go at your own pace and focus on doing the exercises correctly and efficiently. That said, there are also benefits to exercising with a group , including positive peer pressure and increased motivation.
If you prefer to workout with others but the gyms in your area are still closed, there are many platforms online with live classes that you and your friends can join, such as Fit Crew PH. But if you’re struggling to put a group together, you can still work out by yourself without feeling like you are alone. “Personally, I like listening to music or podcasts while working out,” suggests Juancho. “It makes me feel like I am talking to someone.”
5. “It’s boring!”
There are so many different kinds of exercises out there — from swimming to spinning — that the key is to find something, anything, that gets your body in motion and puts a smile on your face. So if you find yourself bored or plateaued with a particular workout, switch it up. If yoga no longer interests you, try rowing; if you find boxing “Bleh,” try biking. “I’d much rather go three hours on a bike than 30 minutes on a treadmill,” admits Juancho. “Once you find something you enjoy doing, it won’t feel like an exercise.”
6. “I’m too old/too fat/not strong enough/etc. — the trainer will just laugh at me.”
“That will absolutely never happen,” Juancho stresses. “Coaches and trainers are professionals who work with a variety of fitness levels and will never judge someone based on their physical stature. In fact, we even feel happy if we see people trying to be the best version of themselves.”
That said, this does not mean that you should plunge into whatever workout tickles your fancy. “Whether you are young or old, fit or unfit, always get clearance from your doctor before first starting a new exercise regimen,” advises Juancho.
7. “I tried exercising before and it didn’t work.”
There are many reasons why you’re not seeing results from working out.
Maybe you weren’t consistent with exercising? It’s important to keep a routine and stick to it.
Maybe you were expecting too much, too soon? It may take anywhere from four to eight weeks of consistent workouts before you see a noticeable change.
Finally, maybe you relied purely on exercising? “Fitness also depends on what you eat and how you sleep,” Juancho points out.
So analyze why the exercise didn’t work, and ask yourself what would have improved the chances of a positive outcome? Now make a plan with this newfound knowledge and start again.
8. “I’ll start tomorrow/next week/etc.” If you are battling low motivation, you just have to do it. Start small so you don’t get daunted or discouraged. Instead of saying you will do 10 push-ups every morning, start with just two, then gradually increase the reps. Instead of aiming to exercise for an hour, try 40 minutes first, which when you think about it, is about the length of time of an episode of your favorite sitcom so it’s not that long.
9. “I don’t need to exercise, I’m still young.”
“You’ll age quicker if you don’t take care of yourself,” Juancho warns. “Health is wealth, so as early as now, you have to invest in yourself, in the things that you want, and how you spend your time. Getting your body engaged and feeling aware of your physical state is a good start to a long and healthy life.”
When it comes to exercising, the gains outweigh the pains and excuses. A regular exercise routine will give you improved physical and mental health and can set your mood for the day. Best of all, it’s never too late to start. “There are many things that you will never regret doing, and exercise is one of them,” says Juancho.
For those in the Philippines, MindNation WellBeing Coaches are available 24/7 to help you build better physical and mental health habits. Book a slot now through FB Messenger http://mn-chat or email [email protected].
For more information about Fit Crew PH, message them on Instagram @fitcrew_ph.
While arguments and disagreements between family members are normal, it’s important to distinguish between normal fights and toxic behavior.
“A relationship is toxic when it is not harmonious, when negative moments outweigh the positive ones,” explains Aiza Tabayoyong, a family and relationship expert from the Love Institute, a pioneering company equipping couples, parents, and individuals with skills on how to have fulfilling relationships with those dearest to them.
The fights do not even have to be direct or explosive confrontations to be considered toxic. “The hurting can come in many forms,” points out Aiza. “It can be verbal abuse in the form of sarcasm, some subtle teasing, or giving the other person the silent treatment.
It can even be passive-aggressive behaviors — like leaving the soap dish full of water knowing you’re the next one to use the soap, or finishing up all the food when they know it’s your favorite. At first glance, these behaviors are simply annoying. But if they occur constantly and the person does not change their ways even if you ask them to, they become hurtful and disrespectful, which leads to repressed anger, and becoming toxic.”
Toxic relationships are bad not only for the relationship but also for the mental, emotional, and physical health of the people involved. “In a toxic relationship, your body and brain are constantly in a fight or flight mode because of so much stress,” explains Aiza.
“In the long-term, this negative energy will literally become toxic in your system, and can also lead to different mental health challenges like depression or anger management issues,” she adds.
“The fights do not even have to be direct or explosive confrontations to be considered toxic. The hurting can come in many forms. It can be verbal abuse in the form of sarcasm, some subtle teasing, or giving the other person the silent treatment.”
Aiza Tabayoyong, family and relationship expert from the Love Institute
How to move forward
Repairing a toxic relationship takes time, patience, and diligence. This is because most toxic relationships often occur as a result of longstanding and unresolved issues in the current relationship, or as a result of unaddressed issues from prior relationships.
If you truly want the situation with your family member to change for the better, there are some things you can do to turn things around:
Stay away from the source of the toxicity as much as you can. This can be hard to do these days when you are isolated at home with the other person and cannot literally go away, so it would help if you have a room of your own where you can take a breath. If not, Aiza recommends putting up some form of psycho-emotional shield, such as meditating, listening to music, praying, and also reminding yourself that you are distinct and different from the other person.
“It’s important to cut the emotional connections especially if the other person knows your buttons,” she advises. “Instead of thinking ‘ There’s something going on with my loved one and it’s affecting me,’ shift the mindset to ‘There’s something going on with my loved one, I need to move away from striking distance so I will not be affected.’”
Regroup and recollect. Once you’ve had your space and are in a better place, know your options. According to Aiza, there are three:
Option A: Are you going to accept the person’s behavior and just choose to live with it? The downside is you will need to set very firm boundaries to cope with the toxic behaviors, and the boundaries may become so rigid that you will be permanently disconnected from the other person.
Option B: Will you give hints and hope that the other person will get that you are affected by his or her particular behavior? In this case, be prepared for the possibility that they will never get it.
Option C: Ask for a dialogue with the other person. “Approach the other person with a sense of compassion, because he or she might be going through something that you are not aware of,” instructs Aiza. “Then use ‘I’ statements to convey how you feel, such as ‘I feel __ when you do __.’ This way, you are letting them know the effect of their behavior — not their personality or their character — on you. They won’t feel attacked, and the chances of them being defensive or angry will be minimized.”
On the other hand, lashing out with “You’re so inconsiderate!” or “You always/never think of others,” is exhibiting judgement and will make the other person want to prove you wrong. He or she will lash back with, “That’s not true, I am very considerate, do you know how much I do for this family, etc. etc.”
Talk to a professional. “Talking to a psychologist can provide you with a sounding board to process your feelings or help you view things from another perspective,” says Aiza.
Dealing with toxic family members who are older than you
It’s easier to have difficult conversations with peers — like siblings or your partner — than with older members of the family like parents or the parents in-law. What should be done if they are the ones exhibiting toxic behavior?
At the very least, try to make the relationship civil. If the relationship has been sour for so long already, you cannot expect the other person to be as empathetic or compassionate to your pleas. “Bring the relationship first to neutral ground by knowing the other person’s love language, something that will build favor and allow you to reconnect,” shares Aiza.
Present your case in a way that it’s beneficial for both parties. “Start by saying ‘I know it has been difficult for both of us; I’m sorry if I knowingly or unknowingly offended you or hurt you. I want to improve things around the house or our relationship, may I talk about it when you are available?’” suggests Aiza. “If they are ready, they will say yes. If they are not ready and say no, at least you tried.”
In the case of in-laws, ask for help from your partner/their child. “Ask your partner to mediate and make things better, or bring you up in a better light,” she says.
How to reduce being toxic towards others
Because we are human, it’s highly possible that we are treating family members unpleasantly without even realizing it. How can we become less toxic people ourselves?
Get feedback. “Ask trusted people whom you know will not hurt you for feedback. For parents, if you have a good enough sense of your self-worth, ask your kids ‘How is mommy doing? Is there anything you would like me to do so I can be a better mom?’” suggests Aiza.
If there is no one to ask, just be observant of yourself. “What is your own level of stress that you may be bringing into your relationships. How happy are you with your life? How contented are you?” Aiza asks.
If you prefer a scientific approach, MindNation has an online WellBeing Quiz that you can take for free to check on your mental status and happiness level. If you score Healthy or Thriving, then you are in good shape and no one is affected by you; but if you are Fading or Burned Out and you realize that there are people you rub the wrong way or people who trigger you, you might want to step back and see where that’s coming from.
“Is it because you’re tired? Or maybe you have some unresolved issues that need to be resolved?” asks Aiza. “Whatever it is, you might want to work on those now, because a lot of our past issues manifest either in relationships or at work.”
Make time for self-care. “This is very, very important, especially if there are other people counting on you,” Aiza stresses. “Self-care is whatever it looks like for you, whether it’s doing breathwork, meditating, walking under the sun (just make sure to stay safe), bingeing a little bit of tv, or talking to your friends and finding a reason to really belly laugh.”
For Aiza, the COVID-19 pandemic is a unique opportunity for the family to work on their issues and become stronger. “Think of it as a forced team building exercise,” Aiza says. “Now is the perfect time to look at any problems that you may have, take a pause, and deliberately work on them.”
MindNation psychologists and WellBeing Coaches are available 24/7 for teletherapy sessions if you need help addressing relationship issues, past traumas, or to work on yourself. Book a slot now through FB Messenger or email [email protected].
Academy Award-winning actor Tom Hanks struggles with it. So do Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg, tennis superstar Serena Williams, and Nobel Prize-winning poet Maya Angelou. We are talking about imposter syndrome, defined as an internal experience of believing that you are not as competent as others perceive you to be.
“Imposter syndrome is the experience of feeling like a fraud despite your successes,” says psychologist Riyan Portuguez. “You think you only got to where you are because of luck, and that any moment someone will expose you for being inadequate or incompetent.”
While imposter syndrome usually appears in high achievers, it can affect anyone no matter their social status, work background, skill level, or degree of expertise.
Some of the common signs of imposter syndrome include:
Self-doubt
Attributing your success to external factors like good luck or good timing
Fear of failure or committing mistakes
Fear that you won’t live up to expectations
Fear of being judged by others
“Imposter syndrome is the experience of feeling like a fraud despite your successes.You think you only got to where you are because of luck, and that any moment someone will expose you for being inadequate or incompetent.”
Psychologist Riyan Portuguez
Causes
Certain factors can contribute to the experience of impostor syndrome. These include:
Family dynamics: Family expectations and the value of success and perfection in childhood can stay with an individual throughout their life.
Cultural expectations: Different cultures put different values on education, career, and different definitions of success.
Individual personality traits: Perfectionism can lead to imposter syndrome.
Imposter syndrome vs. humility Imposter syndrome is oftentimes mistaken for excessive humility. But being humble does not mean having a poor opinion of yourself. Instead, you accept yourself and your many good qualities, as well as your limitations.
People with imposter syndrome, on the other hand, will beat themselves up for committing mistakes and constantly ruminate on what they did wrong or how they could have done better. “Imposter syndrome results in impairment and missed opportunities,” Riyan points out. “When a promotion is offered, for example, a humble person will accept it graciously, acknowledge that they will encounter challenges, and ask for help when needed. On the other hand, someone with imposter syndrome will reject the promotion just because they feel they do not deserve it.”
How to overcome it
While imposter syndrome is not a recognized mental disorder, it can contribute to mental health challenges like anxiety and depression. So if you see yourself exhibiting characteristics of imposter syndrome, you need to do something about it right away:
Own your successes. “Credit yourself for your achievements and always remind yourself that you deserve the recognition you get,” says Riyan.
Temper your perfectionist tendencies. Instead, learn how to set goals that are challenging but at the same time realistic and achievable.
Accept that mistakes are a part of life. “No one is perfect; there is always room for growth,” reminds Riyan. “Treat mistakes as opportunities for you to become a better version of who you are.”
Be comfortable with discomfort. Navigate your feelings, even the uncomfortable ones. Whenever you experience feelings of self-doubt or inadequacy, ask yourself why you are feeling this way and what made you feel this way. “By doing this, you will eventually identify your triggers and find ways to control them,” Riyan explains.
Repeat after yourself: “Feelings are not facts.” Just because you feel unqualified does not mean you are unqualified. Be aware of the automatic defeatist thoughts and feelings you have, and work on countering those with reality-based statements, such as, “I am qualified for this task because….”
Stop comparing yourself to others. “You are unique in your own way, you move at your own pace,” says Riyan. “If there is something that you need to compare yourself to, it’s to who you were before.”
Use social media moderately. Spending too much time on social media can cause feelings of inferiority and will only make your feelings of being a fraud worse.
Talk to your trusted friends and loved ones. Irrational beliefs tend to fester when they are hidden and not talked about, so the more you talk about it with someone, the more you realize what the problem is and that you are not the only one struggling. Loved ones can also give you the confidence boost you need to overcome your self-doubt.
While experiencing imposter syndrome is normal, you don’t have to let it control your life and stop you from achieving your goals. Overcome your perfectionist tendencies by setting realistic goals for yourself, and accept that mistakes and failures are a part of life. Whenever you start to doubt your own skills, talk to others so that you realize your fears are unfounded. Finally, take ownership of your successes. Learn how to accept compliments, and draw strength from it.
MindNation psychologists and WellBeing Coaches are available for 24/7 teletherapy sessions if you need someone to talk to about your fears and insecurities. Book a slot through FB Messenger http://mn-chat or email [email protected].
In today’s fast-paced world, multitasking seems like a great way to get a lot done at once. But according to American-Canadian cognitive psychologist and neuroscientist Daniel Levitin, doing more than one thing at a time is taxing on the brain and drains precious mental energy. “Asking the brain to shift attention from one activity to another causes [parts of our brain] to burn up oxygenated glucose, the same fuel they need to stay on task,” he says. “The rapid, continual shifting we do with multitasking causes the brain to burn through fuel so quickly that we feel exhausted and disoriented after even a short time.” This leads to a rapid decline in decision-making skills, creativity, and productivity.
“It’s funny to me to think about how quickly we freak out when our cell phone battery starts to weaken, but how seldom we even notice when our own brain power starts fading away,” says Salma Sakr, Chief Growth Officer at MindNation.
“So in the same way we keep an eye on our finances to make sure we don’t go bankrupt, it’s important we pay attention to how we spend and invest our energy so we don’t end up running out. “
How can we best replenish our mental energy and attain consistent peak performance when faced with so many things to do at work and at home? Salma suggests 5 ways we can keep our body and brain primed throughout the day:
Start your day right
Hold off on checking email, social media, or any media for that matter, right when you open your eyes. “This way you can fuel your brain with something positive, inspiring, or energizing first,” Salma suggests.
Don’t rush through your breakfast, coffee, or smoothie. Take time to savor the meal.
Go for a walk, do some gentle yoga.
Add a little humor to the morning by sharing a funny story with a friend or family.
“Once you get started and you feel that energy starting to flow, you end up doing more than you expected and you actually enjoy it.”
Salma Sakr, MindNation
2. It’s not just WHAT you eat, but also HOW you eat
Make sure to eat slowly, and stop before you think you’re full.
Also make sure that you’re eating often enough to maintain a consistent energy level. Going too long between meals can actually cause your energy to tank and even reduce your immunity.
3. Find time to move throughout the day
“I suggest you try to get up and move for at least 10 minutes every hour using a 50-minute, 10-minute work cycle during the day,” Salma offers. “If you feel more tired, or more stressed, you may want to shift to 25 minutes on and five minutes off, so that you’re recharging even more often. You can even combine strategies, whatever the day calls for.”
4. Don’t forget to practice self-care
“Incorporate the things you enjoy doing into your routine, such as listening to music, using aromatherapy, doing gratitude exercises, thinking about someone you care about, or watching a funny video,” advises Salma.
5. At night, unwind properly
Place your digital device out of reach, because it’s way too tempting to check in when it’s by your bed.
“If you have to sleep with the TV on, make sure to choose shows that are relaxing or even boring, so your brain isn’t trying to pay attention,” Salma suggests. “Also, set a timer for the TV to turn off.”
Listen to an audiobook or read a few pages of a book. “Most people who read before bed only actually read a few pages because their eyes start to get tired and their brain starts to recognize this consistent thing they do when they are ready to fall asleep,” shares Salma.
Create a quiet comfortable space to sleep in. Studies show that a cool temperature of about 20 degrees is best for the body to rest, and you should also minimize light and sound.
Take a few moments right now to write down a couple of ways you can recharge your energy throughout the day. Make sure your plans are realistic, and keep them short and simple. Then, think about someone you could ask to join you from time to time to help you stick with your commitment.
Make sure to repeat these new habits consistently enough for adaptations to start to add up. “A good rule of thumb is the power of two days — never miss two consecutive days of completing a new positive habit,” Salma shares. “You can miss a day — because let’s be honest, life gets in the way and all our plans need to be realistic — but fight the urge to miss a second day so you don’t fall back into your old habits.” So push yourself (though not too much) and use the ‘2-day rule’ as a way to build your habit.
Finally, don’t be hard on yourself. It’s not easy to break out of old habits and build new ones so be patient, start small, and be kind to yourself.
If you need help breaking out of bad habits or kick-starting new ones, our WellBeing Coaches are available 24/7 for teletherapy sessions. Book a session now via FB Messenger bit.ly/mn-chat or email [email protected].
If you’re tired of feeling tired, here are some simple tips to help you achieve better sleep
We all have trouble sleeping from time to time, but when restless nights persist, it can become a real problem. Studies have shown that inadequate sleep can have serious effects on our physical, mental, and emotional health, like increasing our propensity for obesity, heart disease, and Type 2 diabetes, as well as making us tired, moody, and unable to concentrate on daily tasks. “Think of your body as a computer,” says Dr. Rhalf Jayson Guanco, a psychologist and faculty member of the psychology department of the Adventist University of the Philippines. “Walking around in a sleep-deprived state is like working on a computer with a fragmented hard drive. You are not getting all the performance from that computer that you could.”
Experts say adults need to sleep between seven to nine hours per stretch so that the body can repair and recharge itself for the next day. And when we are fully rested, we enjoy benefits such as improved memory and concentration, enhanced creativity, better decision-making skills, a more positive mood and mindset, and a healthier immune system.
If you have trouble settling down to sleep, Dr. Guanco shares some tips below that you can follow:
Maintain a regular sleep-wake schedule, even on the weekends. “Doing so maintains your body’s circadian rhythm (also known as our “inner clock”), which can help you fall asleep and wake up more easily,” says Dr. Guanco.
Establish a regular, relaxing bedtime routine such as soaking in a hot bath, reading a book, or listening to soothing music. Don’t eat, do moderate to intense exercises, or drink alcohol or caffeine, or smoke three hours before bedtime since these arouse the senses instead of sending you into a relaxed state. “Also avoid doing activities that excite or stress you out, such as working, playing video games, or paying bills,” he adds.
Create a sleep-conducive environment that is dark, quiet, comfortable and cool. Dr. Guanco advises using blackout curtains to cover your windows, and wearing eye shades or ear plugs.
Sleep on a firm, comfortable mattress. “The average lifespan for a good quality mattress is about 9 -10 years.,” he points out.
Use your bedroom only for sleep and sex. “This strengthens the association between your bed and sleep. Take work materials, computers, and the television out of the bedroom,” he shares.
Exercise regularly (but not too close to bedtime). Even just short bouts of exercise can lead to improvements in total sleep time, sleep quality, and time spent falling asleep. Exercise may also help reduce the symptoms of sleep disorders such as sleep apnea or sleep-related movement disorders. Just make sure to do it at least 3 hours before bedtime.
If you need help fine-tuning your sleep habits, our WellBeing Coaches are available for online sessions 24/7, all year round. Book your slot now at bit.ly/mn-chat or email [email protected].
Whether we like it or not, teenagers are complicated creatures. From being sweet, wholesome, and talkative kids who cannot wait to tell you stories about their day, they can become moody, temperamental, and impulsive adolescents who prefer to stay glued to their phones and answer your questions with grunts and eye-rolls.
Don’t worry, it’s really part of growing up. “There is a science behind this change in behavior during the teenage years,” assures Dr. Margaret Mae Maano, a pediatrician and adolescent medicine specialist. “During adolescence, teenagers experience changes in their bodies and brains and these changes don’t take place at the same time. The first part of the brain to develop would be the limbic system, or the part that deals with emotions, which will explain why teens can become moody. The last to develop would be the prefrontal cortex, which is the decision-making part of the brain, and explains why teens are more prone to engage in high-risk behaviors.” According to the National Institute of Mental Health in the United States, this brain remodelling will continue until the teen turns 25, so it’s important that adults around them be a steady and constant presence to protect them from the negative impacts of their impulses.
In addition, the combination of a developing brain and experiencing so many physical, emotional, and social changes may make teens ill-equipped to handle stress and cause them to develop mental health problems such as depression and anxiety. “Before the COVID-19 pandemic, teens could always turn to their friends for mental health support,” says Dr. Maano. “But now that schooling is online, this support system is no longer as accessible. It’s up to the adults in the house to become their source of strength and support.”
Just because your teens seem withdrawn and reticent does not mean that they will not appreciate your efforts to maintain a close relationship; you just have to approach them the right way. Below are some ways you can connect with your teenagers and get them to open up (even if they seem like they don’t want to):
1. Make family meal times sacred. Aim to have the family complete during one meal time each day and institute a no-gadget rule at the dining table. This creates a safe space where family members can share how their day went or talk about whatever is on their minds. “When family mealtimes are the norm, this will ingrain in our teens’ minds that their parents will always make time to listen to them,” says Dr. Maano.
2. Ask open-ended questions. This allows teens the opportunity to open up on their own terms and the freedom to talk about what they are comfortable to share.
3. Keep the conversations stress-free and casual. Limit the lectures. “The key is to actually listen to what your teen says,” points out Dr. Maano.
4. Tone down the criticisms, turn up the praise. “Sometimes, that positive statement from you may be the only good thing they have heard in a long time,” Dr. Maano says.
5. Don’t demand compliance; opt for negotiation. “Because teens are at a stage when they are trying to develop independence from their parents, they may not respond positively if we force them to do something,” opines Dr, Maano. “Instead of imposing your will, help them come up with a better way to handle their issues. Teens may not want you to solve their problems for them, but some guidance would be great.”
6. Ask them about their opinions about what is going on in the world. This is a good way to understand what is going on in their minds. “It also makes them feel respected and valued,” points out Dr. Maano.
7. Be clear with your family rules, such as non-school related screen time, smoking, swearing, etc. Everyone in the household should be in agreement with the rules and even adults should be bound by them; if some parts of the rules are contentious, negotiate during family meal times.
8. Pick your battles. Don’t fight with your kids over every infraction committed. “Teens feel omnipotent, that diseases and dangers do not apply to them. They also tend to be experimental, so for example, they may try to smoke or drink alcohol out of curiosity but then stop on their own,” explains Dr. Maano. As a parent, the most you can do is guide them in making their own decisions. And if you do catch your teen disobeying your rules, such as skipping class, smoking, or drinking, address the issue calmly. Don’t lecture them because they will only shut you out. Find out why they started doing it, then negotiate on getting them to stop. If there are consequences, help them face up to it; and if they stop, commend them for making a good decision.
9. Allow them some liberties but give them additional responsibilities at home as well. Giving them responsibilities also means that you are trusting them as a young adult and boosts their confidence.
10. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you find yourself facing an issue beyond your control or expertise, ask help from your child’s school counselors, your pediatrician or adolescent medicine specialist, or from mental health professionals. Dr. Maano gives some examples:
If you catch your teen doing drugs, this will require professional intervention.
If you and/or your teen are uncomfortable talking about sex or reproductive health, find another trusted adult whom he or she can talk to, like their pediatrician. “But as early and as often as possible, I encourage parents to teach children about respect for the body, that private parts should remain private. If your daughter feels she is not ready to have sex with her boyfriend, tell her it is ok to refuse and say no. And if your son has a girlfriend and she says no, he should respect that as well.”
Finally, self-harm and suicidal ideation should be treated as a cry of help from the teen. “Consult a mental health expert right away,” Dr. Maano advises. “If your child is reluctant to see a mental health expert, he or she might be more comfortable talking to their school’s guidance counselor first. The counsellor will be the one to recommend further evaluation.”
There are no hard and fast rules for parenting. “The good news is the majority of teenagers go through adolescence without any problems,” assures Dr. Maano. “Just be a constant presence in their lives, talking to them, listening without judgement, and keeping an open mind. Step back and allow them to discover things on their own. When your teen knows that you are just there, ready to listen, he or she will open up to you when they are ready.”
If you or your teen needs someone to talk to, MindNation psychologists are available for teletherapy sessions 24/7. Book a session thru bit.ly/mn-chat.
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