Author: Jaclyn Lutanco-Chua

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Relationships

Not A Love Story: 4 Ways To Move On After Being Ghosted

“Ghosting” refers to abruptly cutting off contact with someone without giving that person any warning or explanation for doing so — the offender essentially “vanishes” into thin air, as if they were a ghost. 

While the term is recent, the practice is not. “In the 1990s, Filipinos called it nang-indyan (not showing up for a date),” explains psychologist Riyan Protuguez. “In English, we borrowed from the military and called it someone ‘going AWOL’ (Absence Without Leave) or ‘going MIA’ (Missing In Action).” And if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of ghosting, you are not alone — a study of 1,300 people published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in 2018 revealed that a quarter of the participants had been ghosted by a partner.

According to Riyan, ghosting can have a negative psychological impact on the person being ghosted. People who have been left hanging by a romantic interest or partner will tend to blame themselves, i.e. “What did I do wrong?” or engage in self-doubt, i.e.“Am I not good enough?” As a result, their self-esteem suffers, which can lead to a host of other mental health concerns. It’s even worse if the one who is ghosting engages in love bombing first (i.e. overwhelming their partner with loving words, actions, and behavior) — before disappearing, leaving the other person bewildered and anxious.

“Ghosting” refers to abruptly cutting off contact with someone without giving that person any warning or explanation for doing so — the offender essentially “vanishes” into thin air, as if they were a ghost.”

Why do some people choose to ghost?

There are several reasons a person ghosts another, but the most common ones are:

  1. It’s a form of experiment. “Some millennial daters like to experiment,” Riyan shares. “They deliberately cut off contact to check how into them the other person really is.” In short, it’s a convoluted form of playing hard-to-get.
  2. They are emotionally unavailable. “People who ghost do not know how to handle the difficult situation of turning someone down or ending a relationship,” says Riyan. “They don’t know how to communicate their feelings, so they just withdraw.” 

How to move on after being ghosted

Being ghosted often triggers painful emotions, and while it can take some time to work through the pain, it is possible to move on. Here are some tips:

  1. It’s not you, it’s them. Don’t blame or question yourself. “Ghosting is committed by people who are emotionally immature and who have their own issues, so it is never your fault,” Riyan assures.
  2. Explore self-care activities to divert your attention. Spend time with trusted friends and loved ones, write in your journal, exercise, or watch your favorite tv show.
  3. Set boundaries. Delete their number from your contact list, unfriend and unfollow them on social media, and throw away or donate the gifts you received from them. If they try to woo you back with love bombing  — and people who ghost usually do — “Always remember that you don’t deserve someone who treats you this way,” Riyan reminds.
  4. Lastly, don’t be afraid to try again. One bad experience should not stop you from finding the one that is right for you.

How to avoid ghosting others

If you ever find yourself in a position where it seems easier to just disappear than to engage in a difficult conversation, always put yourself in the other person’s shoes. “Do your best to treat others with kindness and honesty,” Riyan suggests. “Your words may hurt, but it’s better than disappearing without an explanation.:”

Some ways you can turn someone down gently:

  • “It was nice meeting you but I just didn’t feel the connection.”
  • “I am going through some personal stuff right now, and it’s best I deal with it on my own.”
  • “I know we have been talking for awhile now, but I don’t feel a spark anymore, I hope you understand.”
  • “I’m sorry but I don’t see this going any further, I respect you and hope we can still remain friendly.” 

Reeling from being ghosted? MindNation psychologists are available 24/7 for teletherapy sessions if you need to process the complex feelings you may have after being left hanging by a romantic interest. They can also give you further coping strategies to make sure you come out the other side stronger and more confident than before. Book a session now through https://bit.ly/mn-chat. 

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How To

5 Ways To Effectively Communicate With A Loved One

Do you have difficulty telling your partner you are frustrated at them? Do a friend’s annoying habits trigger you, but you choose to stay silent to keep the peace? 

This is where knowing the difference between constructive and destructive criticism comes in. 

“It’s important to relay feedback to a loved one even when it’s negative because we want to help our loved ones to become better versions of themselves,” says MindNation psychologist Jessa Mae Rojas. “Additionally, when we are able to go through difficult communications with our partners unscathed, the relationship becomes stronger.” 

This does not mean you have to call them out about every little annoyance; some things are better left unsaid. “As long as what you are saying helps the person improve and does not make them question their self-worth or self-confidence, then that is constructive criticism,” Jessa says. “Everything else is just nitpicking.” 

Ready to have the constructively critical conversation? Here are some do’s and don’ts for relaying feedback to your loved one:

“It’s important to relay feedback to a loved one even when it’s negative because we want to help our loved ones to become better versions of themselves.”

Jessa Mae Rojas, MindNation Psychologist

DO:

  1. Time it right. Don’t do it when they are tired after a long day, or if YOU are tired after a long day. And especially do not get into the conversation when you are angry because you might end up saying something destructive instead. If tempers are high, step out of the room for awhile, take deep breaths, or do activities to distract you until you calm down. 
  2. Focus on specific behaviors, not on your partner’s whole personality. Don’t just say, “You’re just no fun.” Get specific instead by saying, “I’ve noticed that you don’t seem to enjoy online parties with my friends. Can you tell me why so I can understand better?”
  1. Give your partner a chance to explain or offer feedback. You have had your chance to speak, now it’s to sit back and listen. Remember that you are having a dialogue, not a monologue. 

DON’T

  1. Diagnose your loved one. “I think you have mental health issues,” or “Wow, your childhood really messed with your brain” will only deviate the conversation  from the main issue. 
  2. Make “You” statements. If you say, “You are impossible to talk to and you just don’t listen,” your partner will justifiably feel defensive. “I sometimes find it difficult to talk with you,” is a much more positive way to broach the subject.

If despite your best efforts your criticism is received in a negative light, don’t fan the flames by responding angrily. Instead, seek to understand why your loved one is acting this way. “Have a heart to heart talk; ask them ‘How would you want me to talk to you about this next time? Would you rather I write it down or send you a text message first, instead of talking to you about it directly?’” Jessa suggests. “These can help pave the way for more productive conversations in the future.”

If you and your partner are having difficulty communicating with each other, MindNation psychologists and WellBeing Coaches are available for teletherapy sessions 24/7 to help you build a stronger and lasting relationship. Message https://bit.ly/mn-chat to book a session now! 

Categories
Employee Wellness

Everyone At The Table: 3 Ways To A More Diverse And Inclusive Workplace

Promoting and improving diversity and inclusion (D&I) in the workplace no longer just means hiring more women in the company or allocating a prayer room for your Muslim team members. These are good first steps but much more needs to be done if you want to create a workplace that respects the unique needs, perspectives, and potential of everyone. 

D&I explained

Simply put, diversity in the workplace means that the company hires a wide range of diverse individuals — people of various race, ethnicity, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, age, social class, physical ability or attributes, religious or ethical values system, national origin, and political beliefs.

Inclusion, on the other hand, is the practice or policy of providing equal access to opportunities and resources for people who might otherwise be excluded or marginalized. Inclusion is about putting diversity into action.

“Unconscious bias in the workplace impacts our recruitment decisions, employee development, impairing diversity and retention rates, as well as promoting a disconnected culture.”

Salma Sakr, MindNation Chief Growth Officer


Benefits of a diverse and inclusive workplace

Equitable employers benefit in the following ways:

  1. They gain deeper trust and more commitment from their employees.
  2. Diversity and inclusion can enhance the problem-solving necessary to rethink businesses and reimagine industries in the face of unprecedented disruption.
  3. More diverse teams are better at anticipating changes in consumer needs and buying patterns, which can lead to more rapid product and service innovation.
  4. All of the above positively contribute to the company’s bottom line.

Putting it into practice

D&I has become a buzz word that many companies use for good PR, but genuine D&I requires effort, dedication, and consistency. Here are 3 ways you can make it happen in your company:

  1. Be aware of unconscious bias.
    Unconscious bias (or implicit bias) is often defined as prejudice or unsupported judgments in favor of or against one thing, person, or group as compared to another, in a way that is usually considered unfair.

Unconscious bias in the workplace impacts our recruitment decisions, employee development, impairing diversity and retention rates, as well as promoting a disconnected culture. 

Organizations who make an effort to address unconscious bias in order to develop and maintain an inclusive workforce enjoy the following benefits:

  1. Increasing company profitability: Teams that have solid problem-solving and decision-making skills can bring a competitive advantage to a company. For example, a McKinsey study found that gender-diverse companies were 21% more likely to gain above-average profitability.
  2. They are more attractive to top talent: By implementing inclusive recruitment strategies, companies are able to reach out to a wider talent pool. Job seekers would also be more likely to apply to companies that prioritize diversity.
  3. Increasing innovation: Diverse teams can bring a variety of fresh ideas to the table, allowing teams to come up with creative solutions that can drive sales. For example, a 2018 study by the Boston Consulting Group found that companies with diverse management teams bring 19% higher innovation revenue.
  4. Higher productivity: University research found that tech firms with diverse management teams have 1.32 times higher levels of productivity. Increased productivity can lead to more efficient project management and implementation.
  5. Higher employee engagement: This can lead to higher job satisfaction, which in turn, can lower the turnover rate.
  6. Making fair and more efficient business decisions: Inclusive teams can make better business decisions up to 87% of the time. These business decisions can help improve a company’s performance and revenue. 

2. Be an ally. This is a critical next step and involves the participation of everyone at work regardless of their title, i.e. whether you are a manager or not. Here are three things you can do if you see an injustice at work, a bias being played out, or a team member in an uncomfortable or even scarring situation: 

Step 1: Point it out using language such as 

“I noticed that…”
“It seems like…”

“It feels to me like…”

Step 2: Avoid making assumptions. Instead, clarify it with the person involved, such as by asking “Did I read that right?”

Then validate it by using language such as“I want to acknowledge how challenging this is…”

Step 3: Work it out together by sharing your intention to help and to develop a plan to problem solve together. 


3. Encourage team identification. High team identification is when members identify themselves as part of a group and feel proud to be a part of it, when they feel that they are not working against each other, but for the same team, and they have the same future, goals, and vision. The higher the collective team identification, the more likely team members feel positively about diversity and are therefore more collaborative and successful. To do this, you need to make sure that people are not merely members of different social categories such as gender or race, but to emphasise the distinctiveness of each individual. 

By following these relatively simple steps you can really make a difference to your employees’ lives and shape the effect of diversity for the greater.

MindNation offers webinars to train your managers on how to foster more diversity and inclusion in the workplace so that you build happier, healthier, and more productive teams. Email [email protected] to schedule a session now!

Categories
Featured

Darlyn Ty-Nilo Of Belle De Jour: 7 Strategies For Designing Your Best Life

In 2006, Darlyn Ty-Nilo created the Belle de Jour (BDJ) Power Planners with the initial goal of helping Filipino women plan their days better. What started out as a passion project has now grown into a movement with over 9,000 members (known as “Bellas”) who swear by BDJ parent company Viviamo Inc.’s advocacy of empowering Filipinas to live their best lives. Viviamo Inc. does this not only through artful planners and journals, but also through campaigns and activities that engage with their community. 

For her work and efforts, Darlyn was awarded the Mansmith Young Market Masters Awardee for Entrepreneurship in 2010, became one of the youngest Agora Awardees for Entrepreneurship in 2012, and was named one of the Outstanding ASEAN Women Entrepreneurs in 2017. More recently last June 2020, she was honored as one of the 100 Most Influential Filipino Women on Linked In.

“So get to know yourself, fall in love with yourself; and when you make mistakes, don’t be afraid to fall out of love with yourself. Then rediscover what else you can do. It’s all part of the process, and when you trust in the process, everything else will fall into place.”

Darlyn Ty-Nilo, Viviamo Inc.’s President and Managing Director

Darlyn reflects on her life and career and shares her X tips for designing a life that is successful and fulfilling:

  1. Follow your “true choice.” “My first job right out of college was a failure,” Darlyn shares. Despite graduating with high marks and winning national marketing competitions in college and putting in extra hours with the multi-national company she was working for, she was not regularized after the probationary period of her employment. “I realized I failed because what I was doing was not what I really wanted; instead, I only did things to please society’s expectations of me,” she explains. “I would be told things like ‘You should accept the best job offer out there even if you don’t like it because to do otherwise would show you are ungrateful.’ Or I would hear that I had to take the accounting board exams because my studies would just go to waste if I didn’t. But all these comments stem from a mindset that opportunity only comes once; what if the truth is that the opportunity that is knocking on your door is merely testing you to find out what is really in your heart?”

So when Darlyn decided to go into the business of making and designing planners, she made sure to allot pages where people could write down their goals. “I wanted people to start their year asking themselves what kind of life they would want to have, because designing your best life starts with knowing what kind of life you want,” she declares. 

  1. Know that the path to success is never linear. It’s okay to fail, it’s okay to pause and reflect if you’re feeling stuck or confused, and it’s absolutely okay to change your mind if things are no longer working out. “It doesn’t matter whether you change your mind after three months or three years,” Darlyn assures. “What’s important is to keep on writing about it, because the act of writing down your goals and dreams provides clarity, and clarity will always give you power.”
  2.  Another way to create clarity — set routines. “I’m a big believer in routines,” Darlyn confesses. “This is because when you create structures to your day and life, you’re anchored on your goals and don’t get lost. It’s like you’re trying to walk a straight line; if there’s no line on the ground to begin with, how can you achieve that goal?”

With Darlyn, her overarching goals are to run her business effectively and spend quality time with her family, so she makes sure she plans her day in a way that ensures she has the time and energy to devote herself to both.

  1. Included in that routine — making time for self-care. “In the past few months, I was not allotting time for fun at all,” Darlyn shares. “At night when we were supposed to be resting, my husband and I would watch webinars or workshops, or I would read books related to business or self-improvement because I had to keep thinking of ways to keep the business running during the pandemic. Then a friend reminded me that I needed more play time, and I remembered the saying that ‘You cannot give what you don’t have.’ How can I expect my business and family to thrive and be happy if I myself was always tired and stressed?”

So today, Darlyn makes it a point to spend a few hours a day reading fiction books instead of business tomes, and has switched her caffeine-laden mornings with more nutritious smoothies. “I gave myself permission to rest and take care of myself,” she says. “Even on days that are extra-busy and my downtime is only 10 minutes long, I make sure the entire time is about me and my needs, not about my work or the family. “ 

  1. Set clear expectations with those around you — even with the ones you love. Like everyone else who owns a smartphone, Darlyn is a member of multiple chat groups at work so she can properly align and coordinate specific projects with the right people. When the pandemic happened and she and her husband found themselves together at home all the time, she knew she needed to implement a similar system to keep track of their conversations and achieve their goals in a more efficient way. “Before the pandemic, we had space from each other and it was clear who took care of what what,” she explains. “But when the lockdown caused us to be together all the time, lines became blurred because we were now getting involved in each other’s lives and responsibilities.”

Her solution: she also created chat groups for her and her husband on specific topics — food, finances, learning, family, and matters related to just the two of them. “This way, everything is documented and expectations are clearer about who will do what,” she shares. “This leads to less conflict and friction.” 

  1. Take care of your mental health. “I started seeing a psychologist in 2013,” Darlyn shares. “I am such a believer in professional help that before I married my husband, I made him see my psychologist as well so he can work out any issues that he may have. Now, we also schedule sessions before every major milestone in our lives — like before I would give birth, for example, just so we can check-in and process our emotions before these upheavals.” 

While Darlyn has many friends that she can turn to for support, she firmly believes that mental health professionals are better at helping her understand her issues and remediate problems. “Friends are biased, no matter how hard they try to control it; it’s human nature,” she points out. “On the other hand, psychologists are trained to improve our lives. Part of designing your best life is taking care of your mental health, and one of the best ways you do that is to seek the help of a professional.”

Her belief in the importance of mental health led her to partner with MindNation this year. Every last Wednesday of the month, BDJ and MindNation hold monthly live streams on Facebook to raise awareness about issues related to mental health and well-being.

“I really in believe MindNation’s vision of making mental health more accessible to all,” she adds. “The goal of our partnership is to start the conversation on mental health, erase the stigma, and make sure that people have a better understanding of mental health concerns.”

  1. Never stop improving. “I believe that we are sent here to Earth to find what will make us happy and to become the best versions of ourselves,” Darlyn says. “So get to know yourself, fall in love with yourself; and when you make mistakes, don’t be afraid to fall out of love with yourself. Then rediscover what else you can do. It’s all part of the process, and when you trust in the process, everything else will fall into place.”

Partner with MindNation to build happier, healthier, and more productive individuals. Email [email protected] for more information.  

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Featured

Kana Takahashi Of MindNation: Building A World Where Mental Health Is Valued, Accepted, And Supported

In 2014, Kana Takahashi was a bright-eyed pre-med student taking up Psychology at one of the Philippines’ top universities when one of her professors started talking to the class about mental health. “Back then, I didn’t know much about mental health,” she explains. “So when I heard my teacher talking about it, I got really curious.”

This curiosity led her to join the Youth For Mental Health Coalition — the only mental health organization in the Philippines at that time — and it was here that Kana became aware about the state of mental health in the country and the stigma faced by people with mental health concerns. Up until 2018, she immersed herself in advocacy work, learning not only about mental health but also about other causes like feminism and human rights.  From attending seminars, she was soon conducting them herself; additionally, she became involved in groups that pushed for laws like the Safe Spaces Act (which increases protection against sexual harassment, among others), the bill legalizing divorce (which is still currently being deliberated in Congress), and the Philippine Comprehensive Mental Health Law (which was signed into law last June 2018).

Along the way,  Kana started to reconsider her plans of becoming a doctor. “I started to ask myself why I wanted to become a doctor, and the answer I came up with was that I wanted to help people. And I realized that what I wanted was to help people now, not after four to five years of medical school.” With that in mind, Kana decided to just look for work that could sustain her financially and at the same time continue her advocacy work with the organizations she was currently affiliated with.

“I started to ask myself why I wanted to become a doctor, and the answer I came up with was that I wanted to help people. And I realized that what I wanted was to help people now, not after four to five years of medical school.”

Kana Takahashi, MindNation Co-Founder and CEO

The birth of MindNation

Along with some friends, Kana co-founded MindNation in January 2020, with the initial goal of providing mental health services for organizations, as mandated by the Philippine Mental Health Law. The company started with just four people (including Kana) and one psychologist.

But in March 2020, just three months after the company launched, the World Health Organization declared COVID-19 a pandemic. Many businesses coped with lockdown measures by cutting down on expenses — including putting all talks with MindNation on the back burner.

A CEO of any other start-up would have wrung their hands and panicked, but Kana was unfazed. “I didn’t get worried because I knew that what we were doing had value,” she says. “It was just a matter of making companies understand that — especially with the pandemic — investing in people is not a waste of resources.  Before the pandemic, all that companies wanted to see were numbers — ‘How can the mental health program that you are offering me boost my revenue?’ ‘What’s the ROI?’  But because of the pandemic, we were able to shift their mindset from ‘How can this benefit my business?’ to ‘How are my employees doing?’

Going above and beyond

And while other companies looked for ways to tighten their belts during the pandemic, MindNation did the opposite — they started offering their teletherapy services for FREE to the sectors most affected by COVID-19, from Philippine-based employees and students, to retrenched employees, medical frontliners, and even to members of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ+ community). 

“We partnered with amazing mental health advocates like Senator Risa Hontiveros, as well as LGBTQ+ organizations, and women’s organizations to offer these pro bono services,” Kana points out.  “The fact that many non-government organizations were willing to work with a business like us — which is very rare — is proof that they saw the value in what we were doing,” Kana says.

Growing strong

Today, MindNation has a team of 50 employees and 20 psychologists, some of whom are located in other parts of the world. The company is now partners with over 40 organizations across industries, has expanded into Middle East North Africa (MENA), and is currently looking to grow more in other parts of the world.  In addition, they have gone beyond offering their services solely to organizations; individuals with mental health and well-being struggles can now also avail of the company’s 24/7 teletherapy sessions.

“MindNation’s vision is to build a world where mental health is valued, accepted, and supported,” Kana explains. “And we can only do that by making mental health care accessible to all.”

Best assets

Kana attributes the company’s growth and success to its team. “Every successful company has great people, people who go to work not just to work but to actually make a positive impact,” she says. “That’s what I‘m really proud of. In MindNation, we don’t work to feed the pockets of certain people, we do it because we’re working on life changing things.”

When it comes to supporting mental health in the workplace, the company walks the talk and has made the mental health programs that it offers to its client-partners available to employees as well. MindNation team members have access to 24/7 teletherapy sessions with psychologists and WellBeing Coaches and mental health leaves with pay. “The culture inside is also great, we can talk to each other about work and personal matters while maintaining a good working dynamic,” Kana shares. 

Looking ahead

Kana is looking forward to taking up post-graduate studies related to mental health so that she can grow the company more and support more employees. “Personally, I want to be able to help as many people as possible, even in little ways, whatever help looks like for them,” she affirms. 

Partner with MindNation to build happier, healthier, and more productive employees. Message us on https://bit.ly/mn-chat or email [email protected].

Categories
Employee Wellness

Stop Idolizing Overwork: 7 Things You Can Do To Overcome Hustle Culture

Are you constantly on the go? Do you devote 110% of yourself towards your work or other responsibilities? Do you feel guilty for putting your feet up, taking a day off, or even taking a nap? Is your mantra “I’ll rest when I’m dead?”

If you answered “Yes” (or even a firm “Maybe”), you are part of the hustle culture, also known as “Burnout Culture,” “Toxic Productivity,” or “Workaholism.” “Hustle culture is this mindset that we have to work hard to be considered productive and exemplary, and that if we don’t, we are useless and worthless,” explains yoga and mindfulness facilitator, educator, and licensed psychologist Ria Tirazona. 

While working hard is important, the hustle culture practice takes it to another level. “Working hard means you devote your time and energy to something that’s important to you, but you’re still able to take care of yourself,” Ria points out. “On the other hand, hustle culture is telling yourself ‘I’ll rest when I’m dead.’”

“Rest is not the enemy, and slowing down is not wrong. You need to change the attitude that not producing any output means we are not worthy. Hustle culture can be changed, and the change has to start with you.” 

Ria Tirazona, Psychologist and Mindfulness Facilitator


Who is impacted 


Hustle culture is not just practiced by executives and employees; students are branded “mediocre” or “lazy” when they do not pull all-nighters, while stay-at-home parents are shamed for everything from not preparing Instagram-worthy food to raising paragons. 

Even worse, we are oftentimes our own worst judges. “As a teacher, I constantly feel the need to study more, to take another course, to get another certificate,” Risa shares. “Before, I did it as part of continuing my education to improve my skills; but now it’s like I need to collect more proof that I am competent.”

“We have become consumed by this need to have more, to produce more, to be more. And if we choose to do the opposite, which is taking it slow or easy, we are negatively judged,” she adds.

How it came about

The rise of hustle culture can be attributed to advances in technology — everything is so accessible now that the line between yourself and your job has blurred. “Before the advent of email and instant messaging, we had to wait until the next day to get the memo for the tasks that needed to be done. Now, we get emails at two o’ clock in the morning,” Ria points out.

Ironically, while the COVID-19 pandemic has amplified hustle culture, it has also shed light on its negative effects.

“On one hand, because the lines between work and home are blurred, companies expect that employees can produce more output because they’re ‘just at home,’” Ria explains. “And if you’re an employee in a company that’s struggling to make it, of course you’re going to hustle to keep your job.”

But to some degree, the lockdowns have also caused people to start becoming more aware of the negative effects of hustle culture — burnout, stress, anxiety, and poor physical health. “Because life is harder now, there is a growing number of people who are starting to say ‘No, I can’t do this,’” Ria shares. “More and more groups now are also highlighting the importance of mental health and well-being, which was not really talked about pre-pandemic.”

How to cancel hustle culture

If you want to stop toxic productivity and take care of yourself better, here are some things you can do:

  1. Ask yourself — “What is my ‘rest narrative?’” “If your mindset towards rest is that it’s bad and it’s laziness, then you will continue to overwork because you don’t want to be called ‘bad’ or ‘lazy,’” Ria says. “But if you believe that rest is a healthy way for you to care for your well-being and a space to connect with what is important, then your attitude will change.”
  2. The second question to ask yourself — “Is hustling really worth it?” Refusing to hustle when everyone else in your organization is doing it can be scary — it can cost you goodwill with team members, a promotion, or even your job. “But as much as we want to go with the flow, there’s also a lot of value in going against the flow,” Ria advises. “You cannot keep going with a system that will cost you your physical and mental health, your relationships with loved ones, or even your life. So maybe it’s time you stand up for what’s important to you — money, prestige, or your health?”
  3. Set and enforce boundaries. France recently passed a law making it illegal to send work messages after office hours. If you live in a country that does not have this law, take it upon yourself to decide when to stop working, and don’t be afraid to communicate this to others. “We also have to give people the benefit of the doubt — sometimes they’re not even aware that they are causing you to overwork,” Ria explains. “So we need to take it upon ourselves to advocate for change.”

A tactful way would be to reply to an after-work email with “Thank you for this email, I’ll respond to it in the morning/on Monday.” After a few times, your colleagues will know not to do it again. 

However, do know that not everything you ask for will be granted. There will be times when you will need to work longer or harder — to meet a deadline or take care of a work emergency, for example — so you should also be flexible when needed. Just be sure these are exceptions, and not the norm. 

  1. Make rest and self-care a lifestyle. “Rest should be a part of your everyday experience, not a special occasion,” Ria says. “So don’t wait until you’re sick or burned out to rest, which is what the hustle culture emphasizes. Slowing down is good because in that little place of pause, you actually become more productive because you’ve cleared the clutter from your mind.”
  2. Specifically, take a nap. If there is one thing that Ria advises people who want to stop overworking, it’s to take an afternoon snooze. “Naps have been proven to boost brain health, reduce fatigue, and improve our well-being,” she says.
  1. Know your “flow.” Note that resting is not the same as being unwilling to push yourself further. “We all want to be the best versions of ourselves; but part of that is knowing our capacities and when we’re starting to lose that capacity,” Ria explains. 

Psychologists call this the “flow,” a state of mind in which you become fully immersed in an activity, your whole being is involved, and you’re using your skills to the utmost. It is also a dynamic and ever-changing state. “Sometimes you’re at your peak and you’re challenged, other times you need to recover,” she says.  “So go ahead and challenge yourself, but be aware of signs when you need to take a break.”

  1. Follow the rhythms of nature. “Two forces exist in the universe. Yin is a passive, negative force, while yang is an active, positive force,” Ria teaches. “And these forces exist everywhere in the world, even inside us. So there will be times when we are more active, which is yang; and there will also be times when we need to slow down, which is yin.” Both need to be balanced so we achieve better well-being. 

Another way to look at our energy is to compare it to the cycles of the moon. “You can be at a phase when you’re creating something new, when you’re working hard, and you’re producing a lot,” she says. “But there’s also that phase of emptying out and recovering, so that you have something to draw from again.”

“Rest is not the enemy, and slowing down is not wrong,” Ria concludes. “You need to change the attitude that not producing any output means we are not worthy. Hustle culture can be changed, and the change has to start with you.” 

If you are experiencing burnout, stress, or anxiety as a result of hustle culture, MindNation’s psychologists and WellBeing Coaches are available 24/7 for teletherapy sessions. Book a session now https://bit.ly/mn-chat. 

Do you feel that your organization exhibits toxic productivity? Partner with us to build happier, healthier, and more productive teams. Message us at [email protected] to know more about our services. 

Categories
Financial Wellness

6 Types Of Savings We Recommend You Should Have

We all know that it’s important to save money for the future. Surprisingly, the easiest way to accomplish this is to actually split up your savings into different accounts instead of just maintaining a single one. 

“By opening multiple savings accounts, it becomes easier for you to identify financial goals and make sure you are on track to achieving them,” says Mariel Bitanga, financial advisor and founder of Simply Finance, a boutique financial planning firm committed to empowering Filipinos. 

While managing more than one account may seem time-consuming, Mariel assures that the benefits outweigh the extra work required. Splitting up your money into different categories makes you more aware of where your salary is going. “When you know what’s happening to your money, you make better purchasing decisions and can adjust your financial goals accordingly.” 

Mariel adds that people now have the benefit of living in the Digital Age. “Opening a bank account is much easier to do now than before,” she explains. “There are so many digital banks now where you can open an account online without even having to talk to anyone. Most banks even have a feature where you can open sub-accounts under one account, so you can manage your money conveniently.”

Small earnings should not be a deterrent either; you can still split up your savings. “Put in small amounts here and there just to get started,” Mariel advises. “When your money is small, it’s easier for you to keep track of them and manage them; the key is to build the habit so that when you have more money, you’re still able to budget wisely.” 

When your financial life becomes more organized, you will become less anxious about your personal finances, make better money decisions, and enjoy better health.

“When you know what’s happening to your money, you make better purchasing decisions and can adjust your financial goals accordingly.” 

Mariel Bitanga, Financial Advisor and Founder of Simply Finance

Types of savings

There is no hard rule about how many accounts a person should have. “It depends on your personal situation, so always reflect on what’s suitable for your lifestyle and what you want to achieve,” Mariel points out. That being said, here are the six types of savings that she recommends:

  1. Emergency fund

As the name suggests, you only touch this money when a true emergency arises, such as job losses or other disasters that you need a lot of money to cover like major home repairs, car repairs, or even pet-related emergencies.

If you have dipped into your emergency fund because of the COVID-19 pandemic and do not have the income to replenish it yet, it may be time to think of ways to cover the loss. “Consider other ways you can make more money, such as taking on a second job or starting a side business, so that you do not deplete your emergency fund,” Mariel advises. 

  1. Retirement fund

This ensures that you will still have enough money to pay for your bills and expenses when you are no longer working. Start putting money into this fund even when you are still young; the earlier you start, the more opportunities you will have to grow those savings through investments. Consult a financial advisor on what opportunities are available for you.

  1.  Personal savings for day to day and regular expenses
    Since you can’t touch your emergency or retirement funds, this is where you should get your cash for your food, utility bills, and other essentials. 

As with the other types of savings on this list, the amount you should have in your personal savings depends on your lifestyle and needs. You can calculate this by adding up your monthly contribution to your retirement and emergency fund, and then subtracting these from your income. From what remains, make a commitment to set aside a reasonable amount that still allows you to have enough to meet your daily expenses. 

  1. Expenses for short-term goals

This is for expenses that require you to save up a little more than usual before you can spend them, such as a wedding, a downpayment for a car or gadget, or a vacation. 

  1. Hospital and medical expenses

This is money intended to cover a medical emergency, specifically something that might not be covered by health insurance. Even if you are young and at the peak of health, it would be wise to start setting aside money for this fund now. “We need to approach things responsibly especially now that we are in a pandemic,” Mariel says. “As human beings, it is inevitable that we or our loved ones will encounter medical emergencies or expenses at some point in our lives, so the smart thing to do is to have money set aside to cover those because they are really one of the first things that can deplete our investments and savings.”

  1. Optional: A fund for hobbies and other “wants.”
    “Wants” are defined as things that you buy for fun or leisure; you could live without them, but you enjoy your life more when you have them. These include expenses such as collectibles, games, or beauty treatments. If you see that you regularly spend a considerable amount on these items, consider setting aside money to exclusively fund these so you still spend with care.

How to get started

This is definitely not an exhaustive list of all the types of savings accounts that you could set up, but it is a great starting point. When you are ready, Mariel suggests that you start by making a list of all the categories mentioned above, as well as other categories that you think you need to budget for. After that, check all your current bank accounts and tally them up so see how much money you have to start with. Finally, start allocating to the various funds. Financial advisors can also help in this regard. 

For those still feeling unsure and overwhelmed, MindNation WellBeing Coaches are also available 24/7 to help you build better money habits.  Book a session now through https://bit.ly/mn-chat or email [email protected].

Categories
Children's Mental Health

8 Ways To Raise Kids To Be Allies

Being an ally of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ+) community is not just about knowing LGBTQ+-related vocabulary by heart or lobbying for trans-inclusive bathrooms. Even young children can be considered allies when they treat all people — regardless of their sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression, or sex charactertistics (SOGIESC) —  with compassion, acceptance, and respect. 

“Raising kids to be kind and accepting benefits not just the recipients of those kind acts but also the children themselves,” says Dr. Kathryn Braganza, a neurodevelopmental pediatrician practicing in Manila and mother of two children aged 18 and 6. “Being kind will make them feel good about themselves, ease their anxieties, make them happier, and boost their self-esteem.” 

While it is easier to teach children to be allies when a relative is queer, even families without homosexual, bisexual, or transgender loved ones can raise children to be open and loving. Dr. Braganza, who also has a gay older brother living in the United States,  shares some tips from her personal experience on how parents can create a culture of kindness and inclusivity at home:

“When my husband makes inappropriate jokes, for example, I call him out in front of the kids in a nice way. In other instances when it’s okay to do so, I politely share science-backed data to counter other people’s stereotypes and misconceptions.”

Kathryn Braganza, Neurodevelopmental pediatrician
  1. Embrace diversity. From a young age, expose your children to people, shows, music, or literature that positively represent a variety of SOGIESC. “In the building where I live, we have a transgender neighbor who dotes on my six-year-old daughter, hugging and kissing her all the time,” relates Dr. Braganza. “And because my husband and I did not make an issue out of it, my daughter thinks of her as just a loving neighbor and not ‘that transgender neighbor.’” 

Many television shows now also have diverse casts and roles, so Dr. Braganza suggests that parents co-watch with children to better explain to them what they are watching. 

Finally, let your sons wear pink, your daughters wear blue, and let them play with whatever toys they want. “In developmental pediatrics, we encourage parents to let kids engage in pretend-play, such as playing with dolls, to boost socio-emotional skills,” Dr. Braganza says. “Some parents have told me they are hesitant to let their sons play with dolls because they worry it would make him more feminine, but I just explain to them that research has shown that toys do not determine or influence gender identity.”

  1. Emphasize WE, not ME. Encourage your child to look for what they have in common with others instead of how they are different. Any time your child points out how someone is unlike them, Dr. Braganza suggests that you say, “There are lots of ways people are different from each other. Now let’s try to think of ways you are the same.” 
  1. Encourage open and accepting minds. “You can model this in everything you do, even in situations that are not related to gender,” says Dr. Braganza. “When your kids see you treating everyone the same regardless of their social status or their appearance, they will also do it on their own.”
  2.  Openly speak with pride and love about family members, friends, and colleagues who are LGBTQ+ (as long as they are out and are comfortable with you discussing them with others).  “My brother came out to me and my parents just before I got married and we supported him whole-heartedly,” Dr. Braganza recounts. “So when my children were growing up, his sexual orientation was never an issue because they saw that their grandparents and I did not treat him any differently than other people. Before the pandemic, we would all even frequently visit him and his husband in the US and my children treated their relationship as something normal.” 
  1. Be mindful of hurtful or derogatory comments or behavior. Children are always watching, so they will notice kindness, respect, and when you speak up on behalf of someone receiving unfair treatment. “Of course, choose your battles,” Dr. Braganza clarifies. “When my husband makes inappropriate jokes, for example, I call him out in front of the kids in a nice way. In other instances when it’s okay to do so, I politely share science-backed data to counter other people’s stereotypes and misconceptions. But when the hurtful remarks come from an elederly relative, for example, I just say quiet to show respect, but once we are at home I explain to the kids that what they heard was not right.” 

“I also frequently tell my children that everyone is raised differently, so if other people give a different point of view, just be polite but at the same time they should be firm in their belief that they know what is right,” she adds. 

  1. Answer children’s questions simply and honestly. How you respond can either create stereotypes or prevent them from forming. For very young kids, usually a one- or two-sentence answer is enough. Dr. Braganza gives some examples:
  • “Mommy, he’s a man but why is he wearing makeup/dressing like a woman?” 

Answer: “That’s what he likes to do, it looks nice anyway, right?”

  • “Daddy, he is a boy, how can he be a girl?” (when referring to transgenders)

Answer: “He likes to be one, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

  • “Why does she look like that/talk that way?” (when referring to someone with a different gender expression)

Answer: “That’s how she likes to look or talk, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“In any situation, always tell your child that everyone has the right to choose how they want to express themselves,” she says. 

  1. Ask yourself one critical question every day: “If my child had only my behavior to copy, would they be witnessing an example of what I want them to emulate?” “So always model kindness and optimism,” explains Dr. Braganza. In doing so, your children will learn to be allies and treat everyone with compassion and kindness. 
  1. Update yourself on the latest facts about the LGBTQ+ community. There are many myths and misconceptions about sexual orientation and gender identity, so it is important that we educate ourselves to avoid inadvertently  projecting obsolete ideas onto our children and tainting their views. “Update yourself with what science tells us about SOGIESC,” she suggests. “The internet has a wide array of information to get you started.” 

MindNation also gives talks on SOGIESC in partnership with Balur Kanlungan, an online wellness community for LGBTQI youth in the Philippines; just email us at [email protected] to set a schedule. 

If you need help on improving your communication skills or forming a closer relationship with your child, our psychologists and WellBeing Coaches are available 24/7 for teletherapy sessions. Rest assured that all conversations will be kept secure and confidential. Book a slot now through FB Messenger http://mn-chat or email [email protected].

Categories
LGBT Mental Health

7 Ways To Support A Loved One Who Is Transitioning (From Male To Female Or Female To Male)

Gender transitioning is the process in which a person begins to live according to their gender identity instead of the gender they were assigned at birth. Possible steps in a gender transition may or may not include changing one’s clothing, appearance, name, or the pronoun used to refer to them (see below). In countries where it is legal to do so, some are able to change their identification documents, like their driver’s license or passport, to reflect their gender. Finally, some people undergo hormone replacement therapy or other medical procedures to change their physical characteristics and make their body better reflect the gender they know themselves to be.

Transitioning can take at least several months or even longer. “Transitioning is for life if you want to go all out — meaning you transition not just socially but also legally and medically,” says magazine editor Jebby Fronda. “Once you start taking hormone replacement therapy pills, for example, you can never stop doing so.”

There is no specific set of steps necessary to “complete” a transition—it’s a matter of what is right for each person. In Jebby’s case, her transition started back in in high school when she first came out to her parents as a homosexual boy. “Back then, I did not know yet that there was such a thing as transgenderism,” she explains. “I only knew that I was attracted to boys, so I told my family that I was gay.” 

But as time went by, she still felt there was something missing with her identity. “I realized I was not attracted to gay men; what I wanted was a relationship with a man who saw me as a woman,” she points out. 

Jebby’s epiphany came in 2014 when she watched the TED Talk entitled “Why I Must Come Out” by Geena Rocero, a Filipino-born American model and transgender advocate. “My mind was blown,” she relates. “I forgot the details of how I came out to my family the second time around, but I just knew that being a transwoman was what was right for me.”

“I respected their decision and told them we would discuss it again after a year, because one thing that I realized during my transition was that I have to give other people a chance to transition as well, that it’s also a process for them.”

Jebby Fronda, Magazine Editor

Today, Jebby is in her sixth year of transitioning but she describes her process as incremental. “Early on, I wanted to get top surgery so I could have breasts. But my parents told me they were not yet ready for me to do that because they felt the procedure was too invasive,” she explains. “I respected their decision and told them we would discuss it again after a year, because one thing that I realized during my transition was that I have to give other people a chance to transition as well, that it’s also a process for them.”

One of the milestones in her transition came in November 2020 when she was finally able to wear a swimsuit in front of her family. “Prior to that trip, my family always insisted that I wear shirts and trunks. Because I knew they were still adjusting to my gender identity, I didn’t press the issue, I just told them that I wouldn’t go swimming anymore.”

So it was a pleasant surprise when Jebby’s family finally allowed her to wear a swimsuit in November. “Of course I was happy, but at the same time, I also felt scared because I knew it was going to be awkward,” she confesses. “But when no one even batted an eye after that first day, I became more at ease and wore a swimsuit throughout the whole trip.” 

Another turning point also occurred last year when Jebby asked her father if he could buy her hormone replacement therapy pills during one of his trips to the drugstore. From then on, her father would constantly ask if he needed to replenish her supply. “It’s such a small gesture but it means the world to me because it shows progress in my family’s acceptance of me,” Jebby shares.  

Jebby’s story shows that regardless of what steps are involved or how long it takes, transitioning is a process that is filled with  a roller coaster of emotions, so the importance of a support system through this process cannot be overstated. “It is very important to support someone transitioning because it is a scary time for us,” she shares. “We feel very alone because at the end of the day, society does not accept us and when we first come out there is always the fear that we will not be accepted by our family or friends. This is why I am very thankful that my family transitioned with me.” 

Jebby shares some ways family members and friends can be a rock for a transitioning family member or friend’s life:

  1. When they first come out to you, congratulate them. “Transitioning is really a cause for celebration because it means the person has finally broken free from feeling trapped and confident enough to tell someone else who they really are,” Jebby explains.
  2. Ask what name or pronouns they would want to be called. Possible pronoun choices may include he/him, she/her, ze/hir, and they/them. Ze/hir and they/them (used to refer to an individual, not a group) are gender-neutral pronouns and are being used by more and more people who don’t feel like he/him or she/her adequately describe them. 
  1. Assure them that you will be there for them. “What we really need during this daunting time is a hand to hold and a listening ear,” Jebby says.
  1. Feel free to ask questions. Ask your loved one to explain to you how he/she/they found out they were transgender. “Let them tell you their story, so you can understand them better and it will not feel as if they are going through their journey alone,” Jebby says. “Also ask what else you can do for them to show your support.”
  2. Respect their privacy. Just because your transgender loved one has told you something about their experiences doesn’t mean they want everyone else to know. It is up to them to decide how much information is being shared, so ask permission first if you need to tell other people.
  3. Educate yourself. Show your loved one that you care by educating yourself on everything from the challenges the transgender community face, such as harassment, to the latest LGBTQ+ vocabulary. Jebby recommends that loved ones also watch Geena Rocero’s TED Talk (available on YouTube) and even read young adult books about being transgender (just search “Transgender” on Goodreads). 
  1. Advise them to see a doctor if they want to transition medically. “This is to make sure everything is done safely and flawlessly,” Jebby explains. 

“Being a good ally to someone transitioning is all about opening your communication lines,” Jebby summarizes. “Even if you read a lot about transitioning and transgenderism, the experience is different for each person so at some point you really have to ask your loved one what he, she, or they need. Be open to that conversation, even if it’s awkward or scary.” 

Transitioning is an emotional experience for all parties involved. If your loved one is transitioning and you find yourself struggling, MindNation’s psychologists are available for 24/7 teletherapy sessions to help you process what you’re feeling. Book a session now through FB Messenger http://mn-chat or email [email protected].

Categories
LGBT Mental Health

10 Ways To Support A Loved Who Is Questioning Their Sexual Orientation Or Gender Identity

Last time, we gave tips on what to do if a loved one explicitly comes out to you. But what should you do if your child, close friend, or sibling “sort of” comes out to you? By this, we mean they are not really sure if they are gay, straight, or something else entirely, and they don’t know what to do about it. Chances are they are feeling scared, confused, and afraid of losing your love or friendship, but at the same time are in need of a sounding board. 

“Being queer is a struggle,” says Venue Aves, Punong Babaylan (Head Shaman) of the U.P. Babaylan, the longest-existing LGBTQI student organization in the Philippines and in Asia. “This is why it’s important to be a safe space for queer people, especially if they are questioning, because research shows that members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ+) community are more vulnerable to developing mental health problems — including suicidal ideation — because of the problems that arise from society’s prejudice and non-acceptance of them.”

Here are some ways you can support a loved one who is questioning their sexuality or identity: 

“How they arrive at or express their sexuality is a journey; their identity does not have to be pinned down or labelled right away.”

Venue Aves, Punong Babaylan (Head Shaman) of the U.P. Babaylan
  1. Explicitly assure them that your relationship will not change. This is the most basic way that you can support your loved one. Say you love them, that they’re still your BFF, that you think nothing less of them. “The support and reassurance has to be explicit because more often than not, the one who is questioning will be afraid that your relationship will change or become complicated by their confession,” Venus says. “By being clear and affirming with support and encouragement that is unconditional, you allow your questioning loved one to express what they really feel.”
  2. Thank them for their trust. Even if your loved one knows that you’re an ally, verbalizing their fears can still be a really intense experience that takes strength and courage. Thanking your sibling, friend, or child shows that you honor this courage as well as the trust that they have for you.
  3. Don’t force them to come to a decision. Pushing them into a “gayer” or “straighter” direction — even if your advice is well-intended — puts undue pressure on the one who is questioning. Instead give them room to figure things out on their own. “How they arrive at or express their sexuality is a journey; their identity does not have to be pinned down or labelled right away,” they point out. 
  1. Listen more than you talk. Even if you are curious, questions like “Are you sure?” or “What if you’re just confused?” only adds to the pressure and complicates an already sensitive issue. If you must ask, ask what help or support your loved one needs from you. Otherwise, just listen, nod along, or be a shoulder to lean on. 
  1. Accept the fact that you cannot do everything. “Even if you are a safe space, the rest of society may not be,” they explain. “So if you can, ensure that your questioning loved one has access to support groups outside of your trusted circle.”
  2. Educate yourself. Do your best to understand the reality of being a member of the LGBTQ+ community. “Learn about Sexual Orientation, Gender Equality, Expression, and Sex Characteristics (SOGIESC),” they say. “Read books, listen to podcasts, or watch shows that show the experiences of LGBTQ+ people. These are all readily available online.”
  3. Educate others. If you follow social media accounts that promote LGBTQ+ equality, repost their content. “If your partner or parents are struggling with your child or sibling coming out or questioning, make the effort to talk to them and remind them that their loved one is still the same person and your love should not change,” they advise.
  4. If a close co-worker is the one who is questioning, strive to make the company more inclusive and accepting of diversity. “Petition your manager or HR department to invite organizations like U.P. Babaylan to give talks on SOGIESC, which can lead to the formulation of diverse and inclusive policies and make your workplace a safe space for queers and questioning individuals,” they suggest.
  5. Check-in on them regularly. “It’s really scary not to be straight, so communicate with your loved one often to make sure they are okay and to assure them that you are there if they need anything,” they explain. 

Refer them to a mental health professional if — and only if — your loved one has a history of mental health concerns or is displaying signs of depression, anxiety, or suicidal ideation. “But do not tell them to talk to a psychologist solely because they are questioning their sexual orientation or gender identity because homosexuality and transgenderism are not medical illnesses that need to be treated,” they add.  

  1.  Respect their privacy. Just because your loved one is processing their sexuality with you does not mean they want to be out to the rest of your family or friends, or even plan to be. Even though your intentions may be good (i.e. you want to be the one to tell your parents to spare your sibling the fear and anxiety), always ask your loved one first if that is what they want you to do. Outing someone who is LGBTQ+ without their permission can damage relationships or put them in awkward situations that they are not prepared for. 

It is important to create an inclusive environment for everyone. By simply affirming, supporting, and respecting your loved one’s questioning thoughts and feelings, you can already make a difference in their lives. 

If you are a queer person or know someone who is questioning, Balur Kanlungan (https://www.facebook.com/balur.kanlungan) is an online wellness community for LGBTQI+ youth in the Philippines and provide avenues for members of the community to be exposed to the LGBTQI rights movement.


For those who want to talk to mental health professionals, MindNation offers 24/7 teletherapy sessions with licensed psychologists and WellBeing Coaches. Rest assured that all conversations will be kept secure and confidential. Book a session now through FB Messenger http://bit.ly/mn-chat or email [email protected].