A 2019 study from leading medical and research center Cleveland Clinic found that 72% of men would rather do housework (such as cleaning the bathroom) than go to the doctor.
Additionally, only half (50%) of men surveyed said that they consider getting their annual check-up a regular part of taking care of themselves.
So what makes men so hesitant to walk into a doctor’s office? According to the same Cleveland Clinic survey, the top reasons include:
They were embarrassed (46%).
They didn’t want to hear that they needed to change their diet/lifestyle (36%).
They knew something was wrong but weren’t ready to face the diagnosis and/or would rather not know if they have any health issues (37%).
They were told as children that men don’t complain about health issues (41%).
“More often than not, men don’t like seeing a doctor because they have a ‘macho ego complex’ and do not want to be perceived as sick or weak.”
Dr. Rainier Lutanco, a general, head and neck, cancer, and minimally invasive surgeon
“More often than not, men don’t like seeing a doctor because they have a ‘macho ego complex’ and do not want to be perceived as sick or weak,” says Dr. Rainier Lutanco, a general, head and neck, cancer, and minimally invasive surgeon based in Manila. “On the other hand, others view health care as a waste of time and money.”
If a man is unwilling to go to the doctor, it puts him at risk for missing preventive screenings — check-ups, immunizations, teletherapy, and other tests — which can help prevent physical or mental problems or detect them before they become major. This is especially important now as the Cleveland Clinic survey also showed that 77% percent of men reported an increase in stress levels as a result of COVID-19, 59% have felt isolated during the pandemic, and nearly half (45%) say their emotional/mental health has worsened during the pandemic.
How to motivate men to get medical attention
If you know someone that needs some convincing to put his health first, here are six approaches you can try:
Don’t nag. Nagging is defined as the interaction in which one person repeatedly makes a request, and the other person repeatedly ignores it, and both become increasingly annoyed. Constant nagging can make the other party feel resentful, personally attacked, and inadequate.
Don’t guilt-trip. Guilt-tripping is making someone feel guilty in order to induce them to do something. An example would be telling your husband or father “Who will take care of us if you get sick?” But this statement will only further shame the man and perpetuate the culture of toxic masculinity that says men should be the ones taking care of the family.
Instead, come from a place of caring. Instead of positioning the doctor’s visit as another thing that he is expected to do, tell him that you want him to get checked because you truly care about his health and you want him to be around for a long time because you love him (and not because of other expectations).
Gather as many examples as you can. This tactic works best if you know of a friend or relative who caught a serious medical condition early, i.e. someone found a lump that turned out to be cancer but he is now, thankfully, okay. Stories like these might motivate a man to get his health checked as well.
Use a common-sense approach. Let him know that putting off a doctor’s visit until he is in pain or at an advanced stage of a disease may make treating his condition more difficult or costly.
Make it easy. This approach works well for someone who always claims he’s too busy. Be the one to set the appointment (make sure it’s at a time that’s convenient for him) and offer to go with him. For teletherapy sessions, assure him that all conversations will be kept secure and confidential and that even you will not be privy to what was discussed.
It is common for men to avoid going to the doctor, but patience, understanding, and talking about it rationally will increase his chances of getting himself the check-up that he needs. MindNation’s psychologists and WellBeing Coaches are available 24/7 for teletherapy sessions if you know someone who needs to talk to a mental health expert. Book a session now through FB Messenger http://mn-chat or email [email protected].
Cost and time are two of the common barriers to therapy. You probably consider it an added (maybe even unnecessary) cost, and you wonder if you even have the time to squeeze in a session every two weeks on top of all the things you need to do. But just like you have no qualms visiting and paying for a doctor to treat a physical ailment, neither should you hesitate seeing a mental health professional for your mental health concerns. Below are the five reasons therapy is a worthy investment:
“Therapists are trained to listen to you and help you out of your situation; and because they are essentially strangers, they can provide a safe and unbiased environment where you can be honest. “
Kevin Quibranza, MindNation
Therapy can help you organize your feelings, thoughts, and experiences so you can get a better understanding of yourself.
When you spend enough time with a therapist, you will be able to know yourself better and ultimately control some aspects of your life which you thought were not possible. A good example of this are people who have anger management issues. By talking to a therapist, they are able to understand the past traumas that shaped their present condition, allowing them to finally manage that condition.
Therapy can help you have more fulfilling relationships. This includes with family, partners, and colleagues.
Your mental health defines how you view life. If you are in a state of depression for example, and leave it untreated, you may start believing that life is bleak and relationships are useless so you start pushing people away. But if you have a healthy state of mind, good relationships will always follow.
Therapy can help you achieve your goals, stay focused, and hold yourself accountable.
The ultimate goal of therapy is to remove roadblocks — whether innate or situational — so you can achieve your life goals. This is why we advise people to see a psychologist or Wellbeing Coach even if they do not have problems yet, so they can take preventative measures and arm themselves with certain life skills (i.e. communication skills) to make them cope with unexpected situations better.
Therapy can help improve your mood and quality of life.
Therapy can give you opportunities which you never thought possible due to limiting beliefs such as self-esteem issues and faulty thinking. These are normal and are experienced by everyone, so it always helps to have a third party expert who can help us get rid of our own perceived limits and provide us with a different perspective.
You are more likely to have better healthand wellbeing.
We all have days when we are burnt out or struggling, and on those days, our bodies do not feel as well as they should — we have problems sleeping, feel extra tired, or even experience headaches or back pains. There is a direct correlation with how your mind is at the moment and how your body feels. This is why at MindNation, we always advocate holistic health — take care of BOTH your mind and body, as well as the other dimensions of well-being (i.e. emotional, cultural, and spiritual).
Therapy provides emotional relief that you might otherwise not be able to find.
There’s nothing wrong with talking to friends or family — if you just need quick advice or a listening ear, that’s okay. But sometimes, we need more than a shoulder to cry on. There are situations that our family members or friends may not be equipped to handle, or they aren’t willing to handle it since they also have their own problems.
Therapists are trained to listen to you and help you out of your situation; and because they are essentially strangers, they can provide a safe and unbiased environment where you can be honest with your thoughts and feelings and not worry about being judged or shamed.
Therapy is the “mental and emotional health education” that you never got at school.
Mental health education in our country still has a long way to go, as evidenced by the stigma towards those mental health concerns. By going to therapy and asking questions, you learn about your condition, ease your anxieties, and receive treatment that is rooted in facts and science instead of myths or conjecture.
I have personally seen what happens to people who do not take care of their mental health because they do not want to spend additional time or money to address their concerns — their conditions worsen and they end up spending even more time and money to treat them. Therapy is a valuable tool that can help you to solve problems, set and achieve goals, improve your communication skills, teach you new ways to track your emotions, and keep your stress levels in check. It can help you to build the life, career, and relationship that you want. By looking at therapy as an investment, you ensure a better future for yourself and those around you.
MindNation psychologists and WellBeing Coaches are available 24/7 for teletherapy sessions. Book a session now through bit.ly/mn-chat.
You’ve finally booked an appointment with a mental health professional — congratulations! You’re on your way towards a better mind, better you.
Maybe you’re feeling nervous about it; that’s totally normal. Or maybe you just want to be prepared; that’s also commendable. Whatever your reason, we’ve put together some general ideas of what you might expect if you’re headed into therapy for the first time so you’ll feel more at ease.
“When attending a therapy session, go into it with open eyes. Be curious, be honest, ask questions, and do not be afraid. Think of it as talking to a friend.”
Kevin Quibranza, MindNation People & Operations Head
BEFORE THE SESSION:
Eat a healthy meal, but not too much. If you’re hungry, you won’t be able to focus on the therapy. If you’re full, you might end up feeling sleepy in the middle of the session.
Dress comfortably but appropriately.
List down concerns you want addressed or any questions you may have. This allows you to maximize the time you have with the therapist.
Inform household members that you should not be disturbed for the whole hour (unless it’s an emergency).
Be in front of your computer at least 10 minutes before your session starts.This will give you enough time to settle down and check for anything (or anyone) who may disturb your privacy, i.e. if family members are around, gently remind them to move elsewhere.
Bring waterbecause talking will make you thirsty, and you want to avoid leaving your computer –and wasting precious minutes — just to get a glass of water.
Make sure you’re sitting comfortably; if you want to walk around while talking, that’s also okay as long as you don’t disrupt other people. I wouldn’t recommend lying down during sessions because it can cause drowsiness.
If you are using your cellphone for the session, make sure to mute all notifications. If you are on your computer, put your phone on silent mode.
DURING THE SESSION
Because it’s your first time, the therapist will need to conduct an assessment. Some therapists will ask background questions about your childhood or your family to get to know you better. Others will ask you to share what’s on your mind, what’s bothering you, or your reason for seeing them.
Some therapists take down notes while you speak; others will just listen and write their notes at the end of the session.
Rest assured that your conversation will be kept in the strictest confidentiality. The therapist-patient relationship is special because it is one where you can be totally honest and not worry about being criticized, interrupted, or judged.
You won’t be expected to tell your entire life story. If you booked a session for a specific reason, i.e. work stress, then the conversations will only revolve around that topic.
You won’t be forced to feel anything. It’s okay if you cry, it’s also perfectly okay if you don’t. A healthy therapy is one where there is a connection between the client and the therapist and any emotions that spill out are brought about by that connection and not because it is “expected” of you.
You are free to take down notes especially if the therapist likes to give instructions or homework. Writing may also help you remember some of the key points raised in the session.
You don’t have to answer questions if you are not comfortable or ready. It is a therapist’s job to ask intrusive questions, but if they are really making you uncomfortable, just say so.
If for whatever reason you feel that the therapist’s approach is not effective, it’s okay to let them know and try to find someone else. Choosing a therapist is like choosing a partner — it might take you a few tries but if you find one that you click with, it can really bring about something great.
Don’t expect all your problems or issues to be solved after just one session. This is a misconception; talk therapy is not a quick fix. We encourage our therapists and clients to foster a connection and have multiple sessions since most of the time, problems are due to bad habits that were formed over the course of our lives and cannot be resolved in just 60 minutes.
AFTER THE SESSION
Expect to feel tired. Talking through major emotional topics for an hour is draining. Don’t go right into a big client presentation after your session; instead, drink water, calm down, and take some time to process the things that you need to do moving forward.
Expect homework. Most therapists do this to empower clients to tackle the issues they are facing themselves and not be dependent on the psychologist for their mental healing. The type of homework would depend on your situation and the therapist’s approach, but most use Cognitive Behavioral Theory approaches such as practicing relaxation or stress management techniques.
Book a follow-up session after two weeks. This will allow the therapist to check on your progress.
When attending a therapy session, go into it with open eyes. Be curious, be honest, ask questions, and do not be afraid. Think of it as talking to a friend. If you are asked questions regarding your situation, try to answer them as honestly as you can because you might end up realizing something new about yourself. It’s all part of the process; go through it, and enjoy the ride.
For those in the Philippines, MindNation psychologists and WellBeing Coaches are available 24/7 for teletherapy sessions. An initial session with a psychologist starts at P1,500, and succeeding consults will cost only P2,500 per hour.
Clients may opt to avail of a 5-session package for only P12,125. On the other hand, the first session with a WellBeing Coach will cost only P500, with additional sessions amounting to P1,000 per hour. Clients may also choose to buy a 3-session package for P2,850 or a 6-session package for P5,550.
Transcom Worldwide Philippines, Inc. is a global customer experience specialist providing customer care, sales, technical support, and credit management services.
MindNation sat down with Aldrin Carlos, Transcom Asia Director of Employee Engagement and Communication, to talk about how a personalized, holistic mental health program has benefited Transcom’s 9,000+ employees and how they plan to do more in the future.
Q: Why is mental health important to Transcom?
ALDRIN: Even before the pandemic, our CEO, Mark Lyndsell, recognized the need to set up a program that would cater to our people’s mental health. Mental health is an essential part of a person’s overall well-being and we simply cannot expect people to compartmentalize themselves when they are at work and bring with them their joys, tears, hopes, and fears for themselves and the people dearest to them.
We also recognize that mental health is a taboo subject, especially in the Philippines, and people didn’t want to talk about. The company felt that we should provide an environment where people’s concerns can be addressed.
Q: What were the factors that influenced your decision to make it a priority, or was there something specific that triggered it?
ALDRIN: We stepped up our mental health program when a lot of our folks started showing signs of anxiety due to the [COVID-19] pandemic. At the onset of the lockdown, there were people whose jobs were affected due to the reduced working capacity onsite. There were also concerns about job security, coping with transitions, worries for their families, etc. True to our core value of Malasakit (“concern”), the company started looking for a reliable partner to help develop a robust mental health program.
Q: How did upper management react to this plan?
ALDRIN: Our senior leadership team actively led the implementation of this initiative. Mental health was a subject in every sitrep meeting, and the members never ceased to ask if HR had already chosen a partner or what alternatives were available to ensure that people’s mental health are supported.
“A mental health program, more than just a good people investment, is a concrete manifestation of genuine care to employees and their overall well-being.”
Aldrin Carlos, Transcom’s Director of Employee Engagement and Communication
Q: What were the primary objectives and the initial steps to building a mental health program within the company?
ALDRIN: The primary objective was to provide help to anyone in the company. Similar to how we offer financial assistance through our Transcom Cares program or 24/7 medical assistance through our HMO partner, we also sought to make mental health assistance readily available for our employees. We started with simple, free hotline numbers that employees may contact, but we thought that a better way to do this meaningfully was through a partner who can offer an array of services.
Q: How did you find out about MindNation? How were they able to help?
ALDRIN: We were receiving different offers from various mental health program providers and chanced upon a meeting with Daph Bajas [of MindNation]. We expressed our needs in terms of the assistance we wanted to give to our employees and Daph came back to us with proposals on how these can be addressed. He crafted a package that gave us a free webinar for every 30 psychologists booked each month, although I believe he owes me 2 webinars per month now because we are currently booking 60 or more sessions per month. Right, Daph?
These monthly webinars, the ‘unlimited’ social conversations, and the psychologist bookings were all that we needed initially. Eventually, we reached out for more services like small group sessions, psychological first aid sessions for leaders, Monday Energy Boosters, and wind-down sessions.
Q: How did your employees react? ALDRIN: The response from our employees was generally positive, and this can be attested by the number of attendees of the mental health webinars we initially conducted, the questions that they asked during these webinars, and the volume of people as well who reached out for 24/7 social conversations and psychological consultation bookings.
Inevitably, there were those who are still not receptive or comfortable with the idea of opening up to accompaniment. The partnership with MindNation, however, allows for different avenues to reach out to people – if not through the one-on-one interventions, at least through the virtual group activities or webinars. We’ve also explored ways to orient leaders about psychological first aid so they can extend basic accompaniment to their team members.
Q: What challenges have you encountered and how are you working to resolve them?
ALDRIN: The issue now is really more on how the webinars can reach our agents, most of whom just rely on free data to be able to connect to the internet. That is why we cannot simply broadcast through Zoom and have to use Facebook Live. But the challenge with FB Live is we cannot really determine how many of our employees tune in since it is open to the public.
It is also difficult to gather so many people in a common time slot, thus, the broadcast has to be recorded and replayed either through our official FB page itself or through our onsite plasma screens.
Q: In terms of the employees’ well-being: what differences have you seen since you brought in MindNation? Anything significant that you would like to share?
ALDRIN: Among the leaders, there is now that sensitivity and greater awareness that they cannot just simply ignore the mental health concerns of their team members. Additionally, there is a clamor from them on how they can be of assistance as far as mental well-being is concerned.
We were expecting the number of bookings for psychologist consultations to go down but recent months are actually showing spikes. This could either be a sign of a real concern, especially since the pandemic is far from over, or it could be because there is now more awareness among the employees that help is available and they might as well avail of it. It was also observed that there are new hires who are availing of the services.
MindNation runs Weekly Energizer boosts through the Transcom Asia Facebook Page for employees that want to kick-start their week
Q: On a personal note, what have YOU been doing to take care of your mental well-being?
ALDRIN: I am able to draw mental fortitude and resilience so far from my faith, from being grateful for the blessings and gifts I have received despite the ongoing situation, from my family, friends, and my team. There’ve been a lot of stressors but so far I have managed to not allow myself to succumb to them. I am very conscious not to allow myself to be affected by negative thoughts.
I do have projects at home that are stress-relievers and give me some sense of fulfillment – minor repairs that require some creativity, construction of an additional nook in the house, etc. I am also lucky that my work allows me to be creative and use my talents.
There are good movies via online subscription – old and new – that I watch and enjoy with my wife and kid and there are, once in a while, books published by my own friends which bring a sense of pride, joy, and inspiration.
Gratitude also allows me to help others and helping others is so rewarding and beneficial to mental health.
Q: What is the one mental health advice or practice that you take to heart, and why?
ALDRIN: To never let myself be overpowered by a concern or a problem because I am bigger than my problem, and if the problem proves to be much bigger, I have a loving family and supportive friends who will back me up. And if the problem is so huge, there is a Bigger Being that takes care of me and loves me unconditionally. Help is always available in ways human and divine.
Q: What is your advice to colleagues in the industry who are also considering mental health programs in the workforce?
ALDRIN: A mental health program, more than just a good people investment, is a concrete manifestation of genuine care to employees and their overall well-being. Go for it.
Q: What is the company looking forward to with regards to mental health and well-being this 2021?
As we continue to support our employees in any way we can, we are also looking for ways to extend our program to their loved ones. We are grateful to our employees’ families and whenever possible, we want to integrate them in the benefits we offer.
If you want to create a mental health program for your organization, you can partner with MindNation and email [email protected].
While arguments and disagreements between family members are normal, it’s important to distinguish between normal fights and toxic behavior.
“A relationship is toxic when it is not harmonious, when negative moments outweigh the positive ones,” explains Aiza Tabayoyong, a family and relationship expert from the Love Institute, a pioneering company equipping couples, parents, and individuals with skills on how to have fulfilling relationships with those dearest to them.
The fights do not even have to be direct or explosive confrontations to be considered toxic. “The hurting can come in many forms,” points out Aiza. “It can be verbal abuse in the form of sarcasm, some subtle teasing, or giving the other person the silent treatment.
It can even be passive-aggressive behaviors — like leaving the soap dish full of water knowing you’re the next one to use the soap, or finishing up all the food when they know it’s your favorite. At first glance, these behaviors are simply annoying. But if they occur constantly and the person does not change their ways even if you ask them to, they become hurtful and disrespectful, which leads to repressed anger, and becoming toxic.”
Toxic relationships are bad not only for the relationship but also for the mental, emotional, and physical health of the people involved. “In a toxic relationship, your body and brain are constantly in a fight or flight mode because of so much stress,” explains Aiza.
“In the long-term, this negative energy will literally become toxic in your system, and can also lead to different mental health challenges like depression or anger management issues,” she adds.
“The fights do not even have to be direct or explosive confrontations to be considered toxic. The hurting can come in many forms. It can be verbal abuse in the form of sarcasm, some subtle teasing, or giving the other person the silent treatment.”
Aiza Tabayoyong, family and relationship expert from the Love Institute
How to move forward
Repairing a toxic relationship takes time, patience, and diligence. This is because most toxic relationships often occur as a result of longstanding and unresolved issues in the current relationship, or as a result of unaddressed issues from prior relationships.
If you truly want the situation with your family member to change for the better, there are some things you can do to turn things around:
Stay away from the source of the toxicity as much as you can. This can be hard to do these days when you are isolated at home with the other person and cannot literally go away, so it would help if you have a room of your own where you can take a breath. If not, Aiza recommends putting up some form of psycho-emotional shield, such as meditating, listening to music, praying, and also reminding yourself that you are distinct and different from the other person.
“It’s important to cut the emotional connections especially if the other person knows your buttons,” she advises. “Instead of thinking ‘ There’s something going on with my loved one and it’s affecting me,’ shift the mindset to ‘There’s something going on with my loved one, I need to move away from striking distance so I will not be affected.’”
Regroup and recollect. Once you’ve had your space and are in a better place, know your options. According to Aiza, there are three:
Option A: Are you going to accept the person’s behavior and just choose to live with it? The downside is you will need to set very firm boundaries to cope with the toxic behaviors, and the boundaries may become so rigid that you will be permanently disconnected from the other person.
Option B: Will you give hints and hope that the other person will get that you are affected by his or her particular behavior? In this case, be prepared for the possibility that they will never get it.
Option C: Ask for a dialogue with the other person. “Approach the other person with a sense of compassion, because he or she might be going through something that you are not aware of,” instructs Aiza. “Then use ‘I’ statements to convey how you feel, such as ‘I feel __ when you do __.’ This way, you are letting them know the effect of their behavior — not their personality or their character — on you. They won’t feel attacked, and the chances of them being defensive or angry will be minimized.”
On the other hand, lashing out with “You’re so inconsiderate!” or “You always/never think of others,” is exhibiting judgement and will make the other person want to prove you wrong. He or she will lash back with, “That’s not true, I am very considerate, do you know how much I do for this family, etc. etc.”
Talk to a professional. “Talking to a psychologist can provide you with a sounding board to process your feelings or help you view things from another perspective,” says Aiza.
Dealing with toxic family members who are older than you
It’s easier to have difficult conversations with peers — like siblings or your partner — than with older members of the family like parents or the parents in-law. What should be done if they are the ones exhibiting toxic behavior?
At the very least, try to make the relationship civil. If the relationship has been sour for so long already, you cannot expect the other person to be as empathetic or compassionate to your pleas. “Bring the relationship first to neutral ground by knowing the other person’s love language, something that will build favor and allow you to reconnect,” shares Aiza.
Present your case in a way that it’s beneficial for both parties. “Start by saying ‘I know it has been difficult for both of us; I’m sorry if I knowingly or unknowingly offended you or hurt you. I want to improve things around the house or our relationship, may I talk about it when you are available?’” suggests Aiza. “If they are ready, they will say yes. If they are not ready and say no, at least you tried.”
In the case of in-laws, ask for help from your partner/their child. “Ask your partner to mediate and make things better, or bring you up in a better light,” she says.
How to reduce being toxic towards others
Because we are human, it’s highly possible that we are treating family members unpleasantly without even realizing it. How can we become less toxic people ourselves?
Get feedback. “Ask trusted people whom you know will not hurt you for feedback. For parents, if you have a good enough sense of your self-worth, ask your kids ‘How is mommy doing? Is there anything you would like me to do so I can be a better mom?’” suggests Aiza.
If there is no one to ask, just be observant of yourself. “What is your own level of stress that you may be bringing into your relationships. How happy are you with your life? How contented are you?” Aiza asks.
If you prefer a scientific approach, MindNation has an online WellBeing Quiz that you can take for free to check on your mental status and happiness level. If you score Healthy or Thriving, then you are in good shape and no one is affected by you; but if you are Fading or Burned Out and you realize that there are people you rub the wrong way or people who trigger you, you might want to step back and see where that’s coming from.
“Is it because you’re tired? Or maybe you have some unresolved issues that need to be resolved?” asks Aiza. “Whatever it is, you might want to work on those now, because a lot of our past issues manifest either in relationships or at work.”
Make time for self-care. “This is very, very important, especially if there are other people counting on you,” Aiza stresses. “Self-care is whatever it looks like for you, whether it’s doing breathwork, meditating, walking under the sun (just make sure to stay safe), bingeing a little bit of tv, or talking to your friends and finding a reason to really belly laugh.”
For Aiza, the COVID-19 pandemic is a unique opportunity for the family to work on their issues and become stronger. “Think of it as a forced team building exercise,” Aiza says. “Now is the perfect time to look at any problems that you may have, take a pause, and deliberately work on them.”
MindNation psychologists and WellBeing Coaches are available 24/7 for teletherapy sessions if you need help addressing relationship issues, past traumas, or to work on yourself. Book a slot now through FB Messenger or email [email protected].
Academy Award-winning actor Tom Hanks struggles with it. So do Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg, tennis superstar Serena Williams, and Nobel Prize-winning poet Maya Angelou. We are talking about imposter syndrome, defined as an internal experience of believing that you are not as competent as others perceive you to be.
“Imposter syndrome is the experience of feeling like a fraud despite your successes,” says psychologist Riyan Portuguez. “You think you only got to where you are because of luck, and that any moment someone will expose you for being inadequate or incompetent.”
While imposter syndrome usually appears in high achievers, it can affect anyone no matter their social status, work background, skill level, or degree of expertise.
Some of the common signs of imposter syndrome include:
Self-doubt
Attributing your success to external factors like good luck or good timing
Fear of failure or committing mistakes
Fear that you won’t live up to expectations
Fear of being judged by others
“Imposter syndrome is the experience of feeling like a fraud despite your successes.You think you only got to where you are because of luck, and that any moment someone will expose you for being inadequate or incompetent.”
Psychologist Riyan Portuguez
Causes
Certain factors can contribute to the experience of impostor syndrome. These include:
Family dynamics: Family expectations and the value of success and perfection in childhood can stay with an individual throughout their life.
Cultural expectations: Different cultures put different values on education, career, and different definitions of success.
Individual personality traits: Perfectionism can lead to imposter syndrome.
Imposter syndrome vs. humility Imposter syndrome is oftentimes mistaken for excessive humility. But being humble does not mean having a poor opinion of yourself. Instead, you accept yourself and your many good qualities, as well as your limitations.
People with imposter syndrome, on the other hand, will beat themselves up for committing mistakes and constantly ruminate on what they did wrong or how they could have done better. “Imposter syndrome results in impairment and missed opportunities,” Riyan points out. “When a promotion is offered, for example, a humble person will accept it graciously, acknowledge that they will encounter challenges, and ask for help when needed. On the other hand, someone with imposter syndrome will reject the promotion just because they feel they do not deserve it.”
How to overcome it
While imposter syndrome is not a recognized mental disorder, it can contribute to mental health challenges like anxiety and depression. So if you see yourself exhibiting characteristics of imposter syndrome, you need to do something about it right away:
Own your successes. “Credit yourself for your achievements and always remind yourself that you deserve the recognition you get,” says Riyan.
Temper your perfectionist tendencies. Instead, learn how to set goals that are challenging but at the same time realistic and achievable.
Accept that mistakes are a part of life. “No one is perfect; there is always room for growth,” reminds Riyan. “Treat mistakes as opportunities for you to become a better version of who you are.”
Be comfortable with discomfort. Navigate your feelings, even the uncomfortable ones. Whenever you experience feelings of self-doubt or inadequacy, ask yourself why you are feeling this way and what made you feel this way. “By doing this, you will eventually identify your triggers and find ways to control them,” Riyan explains.
Repeat after yourself: “Feelings are not facts.” Just because you feel unqualified does not mean you are unqualified. Be aware of the automatic defeatist thoughts and feelings you have, and work on countering those with reality-based statements, such as, “I am qualified for this task because….”
Stop comparing yourself to others. “You are unique in your own way, you move at your own pace,” says Riyan. “If there is something that you need to compare yourself to, it’s to who you were before.”
Use social media moderately. Spending too much time on social media can cause feelings of inferiority and will only make your feelings of being a fraud worse.
Talk to your trusted friends and loved ones. Irrational beliefs tend to fester when they are hidden and not talked about, so the more you talk about it with someone, the more you realize what the problem is and that you are not the only one struggling. Loved ones can also give you the confidence boost you need to overcome your self-doubt.
While experiencing imposter syndrome is normal, you don’t have to let it control your life and stop you from achieving your goals. Overcome your perfectionist tendencies by setting realistic goals for yourself, and accept that mistakes and failures are a part of life. Whenever you start to doubt your own skills, talk to others so that you realize your fears are unfounded. Finally, take ownership of your successes. Learn how to accept compliments, and draw strength from it.
MindNation psychologists and WellBeing Coaches are available for 24/7 teletherapy sessions if you need someone to talk to about your fears and insecurities. Book a slot through FB Messenger http://mn-chat or email [email protected].
Today marks the end of Ramadan, the holiest month in the Islamic calendar. One of the key obligations of Ramadan –and the one most familiar to non-Muslims — is fasting. For 29 to 30 days (depending on the lunar cycle), Muslims abstain from eating and drinking during daylight hours. They begin their fast at dawn – usually by eating a light meal known as Suhur – and end it once the sun has set with a meal known as Iftar. Not everyone has to fast — children, the elderly with medical conditions, those who are sick, and pregnant and breastfeeding women are exempted from fasting. Women can also break their fast during Ramadan if they are menstruating; they and any others who miss a few days of fasting for whatever reason can then “make up” for the missed days when the month is over.
But the fasting is not limited to food and drinks. “We also fast from unhealthy habits and bad behavior,” explains Neiveen Essam, MindNation’s Marketing Manager for the Middle East and North Africa. “These include smoking, swearing, gossipping, arguing, bullying, fighting, or being disrespectful, cruel or selfish.”
This just goes to show that the month of Ramadan is more than just depriving oneself of physical indulgences. Below is what Ramadan is actually about, and what we — regardless of our religious views — can learn from it.
“We use the time to reflect and improve ourselves… By doing this, we realize where we are and where we want to be.”
Neiveen Essam, MindNation’s Marketing Manager for the Middle East and North Africa
It is a time of introspection. Ramadan essentially pushes people to slow down from their fast-paced lives and recalibrate. “We use the time to reflect and improve ourselves,” says Neiveen. “We ask ourselves questions like ‘Do I like where I am in my life? What’s gone well over this past year? What more can I do? And what can I do less?’By doing this, we realize where we are and where we want to be.”
What non-Muslims can do: Every so often, take a break from your regular routine and reflect on your life. Think about where you are now, what you’re doing, and your habits. Are you happy and content? If not, what can you do about it?
It teaches empathy. By going without food and water for an extended period of time, Mulims realize what it must be like for many people all over the world who experience hunger and thirst on a daily basis. “We learn to be more compassionate towards the less fortunate,” says Neiveen.
What non-Muslims can do: Develop a habit of gratitude. Take a few moments each day to consider at least three things you are grateful for. You can record them in a journal, or just allow them to absorb your thoughts.
It reminds us to be generous. Iftar before the COVID-19 pandemic was a festive time of day. Communities and organizations would prepare tables laden with food and set up chairs in public places so that anyone and everyone — most especially the needy — can eat for free. This year, such gatherings are banned because of social distancing measures, although most people continue the tradition on their own by ordering small Iftar meals from restaurants and distributing them to poor neighborhoods.
What non-Muslims can do: There are many ways to safely do charity work during the pandemic. If you want to serve in person, speak with your local churches or community groups to find out what opportunities are available; if you prefer to stay at home, gather and/or donate much-needed supplies to organizations in need.
It brings people closer together. “Traditionally, people take Ramadan as an opportunity to meet and socialize, especially if they do not meet a lot throughout the year,” explains Neiveen. Families and friends share Iftar or Suhur in each other’s homes, with some even going to more than one home in the span of an evening. But because social gatherings are banned this year, many are connecting with their loved ones through digital platforms instead.
What non-Muslims can do: Video chatting is great, but if you want to make your weekly calls with family and friends more special, try hosting a game night just to spice things up. There are many options available online, from simple trivia games to classic board games that got virtual makeovers.
It boosts your spiritual well-being. Fasting from bad behavior, reflecting, and being charitable are all ways we can find meaning in our lives and become more motivated to become better people. “It is very easy for God to just tell us to donate to the poor,” Neiveen says. “But by telling us to fast, He lets us really feel what the less fortunate are feeling so that when we DO donate, it is more sincere and impactful.”
What non-Muslims can do: Find your Ikigai — what is your reason for getting out of bed each morning? Answering this question will lead you down a road where you will think more in-depth about yourself and allow you to notice things about yourself that will help you achieve fulfillment. Read more about Ikigai here.
Even though Ramadan only lasts a month, it is possible to carry its lessons throughout the year. “Once you learn the lessons, be consistent,” Neiveen advises. “Always remind yourself that not only can you be a good person, you can be a better person by continually practicing good habits and abstaining from bad ones.”
24/7 teletherapy sessions with psychologists and WellBeing Coaches are available for those living in the United Arab Emirates. Message bit.ly/mn-chat to book a session now. Sessions for the rest of the Middle East and North Africa coming soon!
In 2018, Oxford Dictionaries named “gaslighting” as one of the most popular words of the year. It is defined as the act of undermining another person’s reality by denying facts, the environment around them, or their feelings.
Struggling with relationship problems? MindNation psychologists and WellBeing Coaches are available 24/7 for teletherapy sessions in the Philippines if you need someone to talk to. Book your session now through bit.ly/mn-chat or email [email protected].
“Gaslighting is a form of manipulation,” says psychologist Riyan Portuguez. “A person who gaslights seeks to gain more power in an argument by portraying themselves as the victim or making the partner question their worth.”
Common statements you may hear from gaslighters include:
“I was just joking.”
“I didn’t do that/I never said that. You’re imagining things.”
“You have issues.”
“You’re upset over nothing.”
“Here we go again.”
“You’re being sensitive/you’re so dramatic.”
“Gaslighting can be unintentional, especially in cases where one person is so afraid of losing the other that they will say anything to divert blame or avoid a difficult conversation,”
Riyan Portuguez, psychologist
While gaslighting is most often mentioned in the context of a romantic relationship, any relationship that has a power dynamic (i.e. friends, family members, or workmates) can be a breeding ground for this toxic behavior. This means that not only is it highly likely that most of us have been gaslighted at some point in our lives, it’s also possible that we have inadvertently gaslighted other people as well.
“Gaslighting can be unintentional, especially in cases where one person is so afraid of losing the other that they will say anything to divert blame or avoid a difficult conversation,” explains Riyan. “But we need to understand that gaslighting is self-defeating, because it does not resolve the conflict in a mature or proper way.”
Gaslighting can have a devastating and long-term impact on our emotional, psychological, and even physical well-being. This is why it’s important to learn how to spot the technique, shut it down, and minimize the psychological impact on our daily lives or the lives of our loved ones.
How to tell if you are being gaslighted According to Dr. Robert Stern, author of the book “The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life,” signs that you are a victim of gaslighting include:
No longer feeling like the person you used to be
Being more anxious and less confident than you used to be
Often wondering if you’re being too sensitive
Feeling like everything you do is wrong
Always thinking it’s your fault when things go wrong
Apologizing often
Often questioning whether your response to your partner is appropriate (e.g., wondering if you were too unreasonable or not loving enough)
Making excuses for your partner’s behavior
What to do if you feel you are being gaslighted
Don’t say “You’re gaslighting me!” “Accusations will only make the other person defensive and escalate the situation. Remember that it’s possible your partner is not even aware that they are gaslighting,” reminds Riyan.
Instead, point to specific, observable actions and how they made you feel. Use ‘I’ statements such as “I felt __ when you did/said ___.”
When presenting your side, stand your ground. “Gaslighters will seek to confuse you. But if you know your truth, it won’t be as easy to sway you,” Riyan says.
Always remember that you are not responsible for another person’s actions or emotions. Gaslighters usually claim that you provoked the abuse. “Most victims of gaslighting end up rationalizing the gaslighter’s behavior by saying ‘He reacted this way because I did this’ or ‘It’s my fault she said that.’ But if we start feeling responsible, it will be hard for us to recognize reality,” Riyan shares. “It’s good to be empathetic and try to look at the other person’s point of view, but if you are the one wronged, you need to put up healthy barriers.”
Talk to someone about what you are going through. These can be trusted friends, loved ones, or even a mental health professional. This does not mean telling them off the bat that the other person is a gaslighter. “Don’t seek to make the other person look bad because again, they might not even be aware of what they are doing,” cautions Riyan. Instead, focus on the problem or the situation and seek advice on what to do, or if your thoughts and feelings are valid.
Know when to walk away. “If you have exhausted all means but the gaslighter refuses to change their ways, then you need to leave the relationship to protect your mental health and peace of mind,” advises Riyan. “You are not responsible for changing another person; better to spend your time and energy with people who are more deserving of your attention and who see your worth.”
How to stop yourself from gaslighting others
If you are worried that you might be gaslighting your loved one, here are things you can do:
Think before you speak or act. “Before you say or do something during a difficult conversation, ask yourself if your words or actions will improve the relationship, or worsen it,” advises Riyan.
Seek to find common ground, not to “win.” “What is more important to you, the relationship, or your need to be right?” asks Riyan.
If you made a mistake, own up to it. “Nobody is perfect, so reevaluate yourself before you plunge into a difficult conversation,” Riyan suggests.
If the other person really misread the situation or misjudged you, don’t get angry or defensive. “This can happen in partners who came from toxic or abusive relationships; they inadvertently bring their hurts and insecurities into their current situation,” explains Riyan. So instead of responding to their accusations with “You’re being dramatic, it’s nothing!” or “You’re just imagining things,” ask them to pinpoint what exactly you did or said that they found wrong, and explain your side. “Don’t avoid the conversation; use it to give your partner the reassurance that they need,” she adds.
It is entirely possible to stop gaslighting behavior, but it will take a great deal of self-awareness to do so. While there are some who are able to do it on their own, talking to a mental health professional can also help. Therapists can guide you in examining your actions and see if you have been, consciously or unconsciously, engaging in toxic behaviors. They can also help you to make needed changes that will make your own life and relationships better.
Despite mental health being more visible than ever and care being more available, only a few people seek professional help for their mental health concerns; according to the World Health Organization, up to 80 percent of people with mental health issues do not seek treatment.
Up to 80% of people with mental health issues do not seek treatment.
World Health Organization
Why is this the case? Based on a poll conducted on MindNation’s Instagram page last March 2020, below are the eight most common reasons people avoid therapy. We asked MindNation People and Operations Head Kevin Quibranza to comment and share how we can overcome these thoughts and fears:
Shame. (“I don’t want to be labelled ill or crazy. If word got out that I was seeing a psychologist, it could negatively impact my career, relationship, or other life goals.”)
“Being afraid to do what needs to be done because of what others think is detrimental to your health,” says Kevin. “Don’t be ashamed to seek help.”
When confronted with these negative voices, the best thing to do is to tune them out. If they harangue you, keep your replies short (i.e. “I see,” or “Okay”) and resist the urge to expound or explain yourself. Switch the topic if you have to. With nothing to continue on, the naysayer will stop there.
Lastly, surround yourself with enablers. Think about the people who are supportive or would be supportive of your plans to seek therapy if you told them. “Many people nowadays are open-minded with mental health problems and it is no longer as taboo for them as it used to be,” says Kevin. And if you don’t have any such people in your life, it’s okay. There are people out there in the world who are doing what you want to do, so increase your contact with their works, such as their books, their interviews, their TV shows, and so on.
Practical barriers like cost (“Therapy is expensive. I’d rather talk to my friends, at least that’s free”) or inaccessibility (“My Internet connection is not stable;” “I don’t know how to use video conferencing apps.”)
Reaching out to friends and family is free and highly recommended when starting your mental health journey. However, there will be cases in which your loved ones might also need to set boundaries when on the receiving end of concerns. The end goal of therapy is not to have you dependent on it, but to build your resilience so you can approach life and its obstacles as a stronger, better YOU. Mental health professionals are trained to do just that.
TIP: As part of MindNation’s mission for accessible mental healthcare for all, psychologists and WellBeing coaches onboard are available for teletherapy sessions 24/7, and an initial session costs only P1,500 (for psychologist) and P500 (for a WellBeing Coach).
MindNation sessions are available through video call, voice call, SMS/chat, and Care Assistants will be able to guide you every step of the way.
Hopelessness. (“I tried it once, I didn’t feel any better. I guess it’s not for me.”)
“Just because one psychologist’s approach did not work for you does not mean that another’s approach won’t,” explains Kevin. “Ask a friend, colleague, or doctor you trust to recommend another therapist who might be a good fit for you, although be mindful that you may have different therapy needs and goals than the one giving you the recommendation.”
Distrust. (“I don’t like confiding in a stranger.”)
“It might sound paradoxical, but the best person to talk about our problems are strangers,” points out Kevin. “They don’t have the biases that you or your immediate family might have, which can stop them from guiding you or giving you the best advice, plus they can offer a fresh perspective on a situation that may have trapped you for a long time.”
Denial.(“Why should I go to therapy, there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m fine, everyone goes through what I’m going through; just give me a few days and I’ll be able to snap out of this funk that I am in.”)
People usually resort to denial as a way of coping with anything that makes them feel vulnerable or threatens their sense of control.It could also be a defense mechanism against the fear of stigma mentioned in item #1.
“Denial is never helpful,” says Kevin. “If you have mental health problems, you need to go to therapy right away to stop it from becoming something more serious. Those few days that you are asking for to ‘snap out of it’ can be addressed in a one-hour session.”
Lack of awareness.(“My family thinks it’s a bad idea.”)
This is usually said by older family members who do not understand the nature of mental health; the younger generation, thankfully, do not have such limited awareness. “At the end of the day, do what is best for yourself, because it will be you alone who will carry that burden,” advises Kevin.
Anxiety. (“I don’t know where to go. How can I be sure I won’t be scammed or the organization is legitimate?”)
“Ask friends and other trusted sources for referrals, or follow the company’s social media accounts to read the reviews, comments, and see for yourself the work that they do,” suggests Kevin.
Other priorities. (“I just don’t have the time/money;” “I’m so busy with so many things.”)
“Work can wait, your mental health cannot. You need to put your well-being on top of your priority list because everything else revolves around it; if you are mentally unwell, you cannot perform tasks as effectively, thereby affecting your productivity levels,” points out Kevin.
Seeing a psychologist or WellBeing Coach for mental health issues should be as natural and automatic as seeing a doctor for broken bones or other physical ailments. “When you burn your hand, your first and natural reaction is to put it under cold water,” Kevin says. “Going to a professional to treat mental distress should also be a priority.”
Lastly, don’t think of therapy as an expense; treat it as an investment. By getting help now, you generate returns in the long-run for yourself, your family, your community, and your business.
We’ve all been asked questions that are no one else’s business: “Why are you still single?” “Why don’t you have kids yet?” “Are you gay?” “How much do you make?”
Our first instinct would be to get angry at the intrusiveness of the questions, but Luis Villarroel, psychologist and founder of Kintsugi Psy (https://www.facebook.com/kintsugi.psy), advises that we should first give the one asking the benefit of the doubt. “Sometimes, people ask things they shouldn’t because they’re bored, they’re curious, or they’re looking for intrigue. But it’s also possible that they just don’t know any better,” he points out.
What to do instead? Answer honestly — and by honestly, Luis means to answer based on how you feel about the question. How to find out? Here are some things you can do the next time someone asks you something that makes you squirm:
First, determine the other person’s motives.
Ask questions in return, such as: “Why are you curious?” or “Why do you ask that?”
If the person is really persistent, ask: “Is there something going on in your life that you want to know more about mine?”
These questions will help you understand the person’s intentions and guide you into making your next move, which is to answer, to decline, or to disengage.
If you want to answer, go right ahead.
“There is no shame in that,” Luis says. Just make sure that answering is what you really want to do; do not answer for the sake of being polite (a common reaction if the one asking is an older relative or a superior at work), or because you feel guilty or are being pressured. Doing so will only take a toll on your mental health.
“There is a difference between answering politely and answering healthily. If you are polite (for example: you just give an uneasy laugh), the other person might not realize that their questions are inappropriate or are making you uncomfortable,” points out Luis. “They might keep asking it the next time you meet, which means you have to keep up the charade and bottle up your feelings, all of which could also affect your mental health later on.
“There is a difference between answering politely and answering healthily.”
Luis Villarroel RPsy
If you would rather decline answering, make it simple and straight to the point.
Say things like: “Sorry I’m not comfortable answering that”, “I don’t want to talk about that”, or “Can we talk about something else? I’m not in the mood to talk about that.”
There is no need to antagonize or fight with the person (i.e. “You’re so rude” or “That’s so offensive”); not all battles have to be fought.
If the other person keeps pressing the issue, know that you have every right to disengage by walking away.
“Everyone has the fundamental right to privacy. Everyone is entitled to share what they want to share and withhold what they want to withhold,” Luis points out. “Do not let the other person, whether intentionally or not, manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do.”
Finally, when you have some time alone, Luis advises that you reflect on your thoughts, values, and principles.
After all, events –and questions — by themselves are not positive or negative. What makes them good or bad is how we perceive them. There may not really be any malice in the question being asked. “Ask yourself why you perceive some questions as ‘intrusive’? What about those questions makes them ‘bad’ or ‘rude’ to you? Why do they make you uncomfortable?” Luis suggests.
If you do find the reason, and are content with your belief that they are too personal to answer, then go ahead and defend your right NOT to answer them the next time you are asked. On the other hand, you might end up realizing that you can answer those questions after all, and you will become better for it,” he says.
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